Dreams

Most, but not all. Some dreams have impact because (or so it seems) they come from your subconscious. The images you perceive stir a chord in you. Other dreams seem to be prophetic, but with such dreams it's often impossible to know this until the moment of recognition comes. Interpretation of dreams can be a tricky affair since the symbols used come from an individual's memory. Each person has their own set of meanings and values on the symbols they see. And sometimes (to alter Freud) a dream is just a dream...

These are some of the dreams that have had an impact on me and which I've remembered over the years:

The Shadow -- 1966/67 ?

I am asleep in my bed in the same room as my two brothers. The sliding door of the wardrobe next to me has been left open. In the dream I am awake, and as I peer into the open door, a figure that is composed of nothing but blackness appears out of it. The figure advances and reaches over me, its hands enter my chest and my soul is sucked from me. I remain alive, but my interior is hollow and cold.

I was battling epilepsy at the time, and the attacks were beyond my control. Of course the shadow might also be a Jungian one as well, as I was extremely fearful as a child.

 

Being Lost -- 1968 ?

I was still in prmary school. Our school attended a sports carnival at Perry Lakes and I'm bored. As a kid I hate sports — probably because I’m short sighted, epileptic and sickly — but I hate them nonetheless. For me it's a long and dull day, even with the book and comic I've brought with me. I'm keen to get back to school, to go home, anywhere but be here. It grows late in the day and I decide to queue early next to the gates we came through that morning, so I’ll be the first back on the bus.

Somehow I miss that fact that everyone else has queued at a different set of gates. The buses leave and everyone else is on them, while I'm left there waiting. By chance some transport officials spot me, and kindly give me a lift home. Not back to the school, but straight home to my family. Something better than I expected. That night I have a strange dream.

In the dream I'm dressed as schoolboy like the day before. I'm lost on a deserted country road; it's dark and I'm worried about finding my way. Then a car approaches down the road. It's a Vanguard, just like my father has. It pulls over and the woman who's driving it (who for some reason is also “the Lady”) asks me if I'm lost. I'm scared of being lost, but I'm not scared of her. I say yes and she offers me a lift. I accept and get in.

We talk as she drives. She tells me that it's OK to be me, and if sometimes I feel lost or confused, that's OK too; and that if I ever felt really really confused, or so lost that I'd never find my way home, that She'd be there for me. The lady reminds me of my mother. There were two large cats in the back of the car, but in this dream that seemed normal, and they seemed cute. One of them licks me on the face and feel it's rough tongue. I'm not afraid of them because She's there too. Finally we arrive home. The Lady gives me a kiss, I get out, and then she drives off.

The only thing is, when I look down at myself I'm dressed as a schoolgirl. In the dream it doesn't feel strange or odd; it feels just right.

The dream puzzled but pleased me as a child It was years before I realised just who the lady in the car was -- Cybele. Later, I had another dream in which she appeared.

 

The Long Swim -- 1975

I walk in a land of absolute stillness. It is a land of hills covered with pine trees, but there are no animals or birds, all is quiet. I appear to be on one of a number of islands. I come to the edge of a lake or an ocean. It too is still. I enter the water and begin to swim. The water is like liquid glass and every stroke is difficult to make. I swim and I swim and I swim and I swim. Then I come to a shore. As I leave the water I notice that all my clothes have disappeared, or been worn away. On the beach is a pavilion. I enter this and rest on the cushions and carpets that are inside. A series of people enter the pavilion and I have sexual intercourse with each. Finally I leave the pavilion, into a milky whiteness that's now outside.

One interpretation I've had of this dream is of transition from childhood. Another, equally as likely, is that it represents my gender transition.

 

Razeal -- 1983

I'm ushered into a dark room by a businessman. A spotlight comes on and focusses on a man dressed in Tudor style clothes. He was a wicked look about him and appears to be standing on a balcony with a picturesque mountain scene behind. The man says "I am Razeal, spirit of the World. All the world is mine to command, at my beck and call, to do with as I please!". As he says this lightning appears in the background. "Bow before me now before I crush your spirit forever!" Instead of bowing, I flick the light switch to the room. It's a television studio. Razeal is standing on a set and the background is a giant Maxfield Parrish poster. I move forward and remove Razeal's wig. Laughing I walk away...

I think this means that sometimes when under stress, I'll see thru illusion and laugh at life.

 

Bongos -- 1987

I'm a cartoon character. I look like Bongo, a one-eared rabbit created by Matt Groening for his newspaper strip Life in Hell. I enter a room, and it is filled with others who look exactly like me. We all turn and look up at the same instant, opening our mouths as we do. Out of these comes rainbows, and they link together to form a huge rainbow that stretches upwards.

This dream is notable because I was not the only one to have it. Carol, an old girlfriend, had the same dream independently, and it was only when she recounted it to me that I realised this was so. What does it mean? I think that it's a vision of finally linking up with others who think or feel the same way as one does. Combined, we produce rainbows.

 

A Change of Venue -- 1995

I'm in a coastal city. One that resembles Fremantle in Western Australia, but isn't. I'm on a foreshore in a park. There are avenues thru the park in brick, surrounded by small shrubs and plants. Couples and families are walking in the park. I leave the park and walk down a street. On one side is an abandoned hospital with closed shops at street level. I walk around a corner into a playing field. Dotted around the playing field are concrete and brick building -- it appears to be part of an educational institution. Finally I reach a house. It's made from wood plank and consists of two main rooms and extra room adjoining these that have been made by enclosing a veranda. There are built-in robes and these already have numerous colourful costumes and dresses in them. People come here mistaking me for the previous owner, who was a drag queen. Finally I walk out of the house into a beautiful garden to another, better house.

The foreshore and street are actually in Newcastle. The oval is at Newcastle University. The wood plank house was the first place I stayed by myself in Newcastle. I was initially hassled by local teenagers for being transgendered. The garden and beautiful house are the home I've moved to.

 

Message from the Future -- 1995

A great female figure appears standing in an undefined landscape. She has long copper hair and wears a multicoloured dress and lots of jewellry. She holds a wooden ruler in one hand and points to a table drawn in the dirt before her. She says words to me but when I wake I cannot remember any of them. I do however remember the message, if not the words: "I am you of 5 years hence and if you study you will be more more powerful than you can imagine".

At first I puzzled over the table. What was it? I though maybe a dream diary, a book of shadows or some such. I think maybe now that it represents the source of general study, of learning. And the power refered to is not power-over, but power-within.

 

My Mother's House -- 1996

I'm in the lower house of Federal Parliament. I'm in tears, and surrounded by a horde of angry men who are threatening and accusing me. I run out of the chamber onto the street in hysterics. A young woman, with blond short cut hair comes to me and motions me to sit at a table outside McDonald's. She gives me a tissue to dry my eyes and tells me that I'll be OK in her house. She has many rooms and I'm welcome in each. Her voice sounds absolutely safe and secure. She leaves and I walk in the front door of a large building. In it are numerous rooms in oak panelling connected to each other by large doors and corridors. As I walk thru I look into the other rooms and see different women doing a large variety of activities. I feel tired and sit down on a leather covered divan. Out of a door come three women: a large one which I know is lesbian; a short one with curly hair and spectacles; and a large fat one. They are all singing and dancing in tune, and I feel relieved and refreshed.

I believe that the young woman represents The Goddess. The three women singing and dancing are Artemis, Athena, and Persephone. The house represents different parts of myself.

 

Pegasus -- 1997

This dream happened on the first night of a Pagan Festival I attended. Prior to going to bed, I participated in a round robin story telling, that featured unicorns of different colours.

After attempting to submit a petition to a corporation that exists in a skyscraper in the middle of the forest, I look around. There are several Pegasi running and flying about. The nearest is a white male, which is grazing peacefully. Someone hands me a scroll and I read it out. The Pegasus retracts it's wings into it's back and rolls over, exposing it's stomach. I scratch this and then a voice says "Now he's yours' for life!".

I woke in my tent, hearing a "scritter-scritter" noise outside. I unzipped the tent and there was a little white male fluffy dog outside. He was very friendly and came in and rolled over, waiting for me to scratch his stomach. He was owned by the caretaker of the place.

Shortly after this dream, friends in Maitland called and said that their bitch had just had another litter. I asked for the all-white male puppy. There was only one in the whole litter. I named him Pegasus.

 

Gypsy Camp -- 1998

I am standing by the roadside. I am dressed in free flowing ethnic clothes and wearing a scarf that pulls my hair back. I look like a Romany (in fact, like my ex girlfriend Carol) and am holding a deck of tarot cards. In the distance a group of men are trying to raise what looks like a circus big top. I seem worried but a woman who appears next to me (and who resembles another women in an earlier dream) says "It's OK dear, you don't have to perform until after the operation". I feel relieved and know that I'm among family.

I wasn't sure what to make of this at first. I'd been reading professionally earlier in the year at the local markets but it had not been a financial success. On the whole I think it means not to worry about a number of things until after I complete my own internal processes. One rite of passage of this will be my reassignment surgery. I think the woman represented The Goddess.

The Big Decision -- 2000

It was back in 2000. I had to make the big decision. Over the last year there's been this growing feeling in me that I'm “overdue” for my gender-reassignment surgery. I feel ripe for the moment. It almost seems too important to make. I've taken a year off university just for the surgery. I go with a friend to see an Australian surgeon. He seems confident, competent and comprehensive in his explanations.

He would be the logical choice, but for one thing — he did my ex. And she, well her operation was not what she'd hoped, and I saw all the consequences of that at very close quarters. My intuition tells me to go overseas, go to a surgeon in Thailand. I'm confused and asking other “Girls” about their surgical results only confuses me more. Either they can't praise the surgeon enough, or they damn them to hell. No middle ground. Then, I have a dream.

In the dream I'm back in Dream Perth. Not the real Perth, but one that seems to exist in my dreams, in which certain places are more alive and significant than in real life. I'm in the eastern part of the CBD, where I lived and worked for a while. And I'm the me that I was pre-transition.

I'm walking along Adelaide Terrace and I meet someone I've known since high school -- another transsexual -- only she's pre-transition too. We greet each other and comparing notes about things and times. I see the block of flats where I lived in its heyday. Some of the buildings are no different, as modern as they were when I left Perth. I enter one and go to a lift to go to the 9th floor. The doors open and inside is a woman. She's the same Lady I met in that dream so long ago. She's wearing an orange caftan covered with mythological scenes, all shown in relief. I feel drawn to talk to her. I mention that I'm upset and nervous and she asks me why. I tell her that I'm so uncertain and unsure of myself, about impending surgery and the complications in financing and so on. She looks at me with a gaze that is both authoritarian and compassionate at the same time and says:

"Listen Child, no matter who you go to things will be alright, and you will have a good outcome. Trust in yourself and your intuition."

And on hearing these words all my fears and doubts fall away like old rags off a beggar and I know, though how I don't know, that I'm talking to Cybele.

We get to my floor and I get out and it's the ground floor again. I walk over to a building and sit down on the ground. That friend walks up with an acquaintance and also sits down with me. We talk about the ruins across the road and look at the old canons and other features that litter it. Cybele walks by as we talk, with several orange-robed figures in attendance following close by. "Remember child," She says, "trust in yourself". She drops a bright yellow rose to me as She passes. I catch it, drawing blood but the aroma is sweet and I feel fresh and clean and full of an ice-cold energy.

Then I say goodbye to my friend and walk past the ruins. I get to Hay St and walk in the carnival that seems to be there. There are jugglers, fire-eaters and other performers out in the street. Bright and gaudy lights are all around. I come to an office tucked away on one side. I know that a surgeon awaits me on the other side of the door. I smile and walk in.

When I awoke I knew that for me the right thing to do was to go to Thailand.