Sexuality: My Story

You know, some folks think that being transsexual is all about wanting to have sexual intercourse with men. That is, you get your vagina in order to get a man. When I stop and think about this attitude, I realize that it reveals an awful lot about the person voicing that opinion. They think that all women are hetero- sexual, and that what defines women is being able to have sex with men. Sounds a bit silly doesn't it? Trouble is, it's an easy trap to fall into. I fell into it, in the reverse manner.

Ancient History

Back when I was a child, I had no idea what sex was. It was something adults did in bedrooms (normally between scenes in a film), and euphemisms like "sleeping with" made things even more mystifying. As I grew up I realized that I was different from other people. I felt like a girl inside and yet I seemed to have a boy's body. I knew the difference by checking out the medical sections of dictionaries and comparing the illustrations to myself. Something was wrong, I was sure of it, and I thought it was me. Then, when I was thirteen, I came across a copy of Everything you wanted to know about Sex but were Too Afraid to Ask, by Dr David Reuben. In that book I found a name for what I was: transsexual. But his descriptions of what transsexuals did for sex were puzzling. He referred to "homosexual acts" with "other men". This seemed a contradiction in terms, but it worried me a lot. I started repressing my transsexuality, and with that a lot of other things about me as well.

Puberty hit full force and I developed an enormous sex drive which had nowhere to go. I wasn't exactly interested in women, or in men. I was immensely shy and frightened by what I might find out about myself. I had a few passes made at me at school (one from a girl, two from boys) but I never accepted, withdrawing into myself. Everyone probably thought I was homosexual. Masturbation ruled the day, and sometimes involved crossdressing. There was something about looking at myself in the mirror as a girl that looked, well sexy. But other times I just crossdressed for the shear joy of it, of being who I could be while the rest of the family was out.

When I became involved in Fandom the same scenario arose. I had passes and rejected them all. I was afraid to reveal that I was still a virgin, and to reveal more than that. I was desperate to have Fandom as a supportive group and I wanted nothing to jeopardize that. I stayed a virgin until I was twenty six.

I first lost my virginity in Adelaide. I was on a business trip as a union representative and it seemed the ideal time and place to do this. I lost it to a sex worker. And when I returned to Perth I fell apart, because while the physical sensation had been nice, it seemed little more than masturbation in company. I had hoped (foolishly) that by losing my virginity I'd be changed, that I'd become "normal", and never have to deal with being transsexual ever again. But it didn't work out that way. I lost confidence in myself and had a nervous breakdown. I stopped transferred my anxieties onto my workplace and going to work.

Looking back at that time now, I wonder why, when the department sent me to a psychiatrist, I never brought up the subject of being transsexual or of transsexuality. But work had sent me there to get me back to work and I didn't trust him. Six months later I returned to work and stopped seeing the psychiatrist. And slowly, I started experimenting. I can count the number of lovers I've had on one hand (with amputations). And up until recently I always had the same problem in bed. They thought that they were making love (or having sex) with a man, but really they were having sex (or making love) to a woman pretending to be a man (that's how I saw it). Convoluted isn't it?

And I bought into it myself. I reasoned that if I had a girlfriend or a lover, then that had to prove that I was a man. Of course it proved nothing. All it showed was that I was insecure. The relationships I had were co-dependent ones. This is where the relationship is basically a dishonest and destructive one.

More so than the sex, I needed physical contact with another human being. To do this "safely", I learnt massage. I was quite popular for a while, but my massage days ended after being seduced by a client who later became a girlfriend. It was no longer a "safe" thing to do.

Gender Transition

Nowadays however, for me, sexuality revolves around honesty and expression. Honesty to myself, and expression of gender and sexuality. This doesn't automatically make things easy for me though. When I "came out", I came out not as a transsexual, nor a woman, but as me. That the "me" just happened to be a transsexual woman, is the way things turned out. And there is an important difference. I realized that for most of my life, I'd hid behind a facade of a person that didn't really exist -- a construct of who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. But the bottom line was that I wasn't that person at all.

Part of the motivation was to feel loved and part of a group, whether it was family, friends or work. I had a belief that I couldn't be an "OK" person without the approval of others. I had chronic low self esteem as a result of this and I sabotaged my own happiness time and time again because it didn't agree with my own world view. And though in the short term this seemed to work, it was always doomed to failure, since I couldn't read other minds, and couldn't control other people.

There came a point where the pain of maintaining that facade exceeded the pain of changing, and I changed. But how to know what to change to? There would be no point in simply swapping from being a stereotyped man to a stereotyped woman. I had to find the "real me". And after such a long time of pretenses, how would I know who that was? The answer was that I had to experiment, trying out different scenarios and roles before I found ones that were comfortable and right for me.

I found that I could no longer be a public servant, a Christian, live in Perth, or be who others would like me to be. As a result I left my job, became a Pagan, moved to Newcastle (as far away from Perth and all my old habits and friends/family as you can get) and enrolled as a student at the local university. I had to question my sexuality as well.

In the past I'd been nominally "heterosexual", in that all my partners had been women (including a transsexual one). Not that I hadn't loved either, but there'd been additional social reasons driving me on. If I had girlfriends I reasoned, it "proved" that I was an "OK" man. But of course it merely proved that I was insecure. When I look back at the past, I see that I had crushes on both men and women. I just never acknowledged them at the time because it seemed too dangerous to my status quo. I was too firmly entrenched in the closet to do anything about it.

And yet here I was, a blank slate of a person: I could do anything that I put my mind to, without regard to the past. And with a multitude of options what did I end up with? Celibacy. This was by default rather than choice. The trouble was that I had too much going on in my life -- too many changes to assimilate all at once. It takes time to change and make those changes stick.

I went through a period where I lost my male sexuality. It just didn't work the same way any more (which was a great relief to me), but for a while nothing came to replace it. A few attempts at "one night stands" confirmed this for me. I'd also lost all the male fantasies that went with fronting as a man, and repressing myself. For example, "crossdressing" no longer turned me on, because it no longer represented the unattainable. I dressed as a woman all the time.

At that time things were so frustrating. I might have lost a definitive "male response", but as a Girl I didn't lose the desire to by physically intimate with another person, no matter what body or gender they possessed! But for the longest time those desires were never fulfilled. When I first came to Sydney back in 1996 I found enormous peer pressure from other Girls on two things: getting laid by a man, and getting the operation. Both were perceived as "validating" you as a woman. But a woman (or a man for that matter) is NOT defined by their genitals or who they like to have sex with (including no one at all).

I was driven by this pressure for a time, but I saw that ultimately both were destructive pursuits. If the desires came from a need to conform, rather than from within myself, then I was no better off than before. So this time around I decided on a course of celibacy (rather than have it thrust upon me), until it was no longer an issue. I was aided in this by being a Pagan. Artemis is one of my Patrons, and I pledged celibacy until I had the right sign.

At the same time, I realized that I couldn't just isolate myself and expect things to run smoothly. That would be like trying to diet and not making allowance for sweets and ice cream -- it just makes things so tough that you give up! So I joined the Sydney Bisexual Network. I found that I enjoyed the meetings, liked most of the people (making good friends), and loved participating in group events and projects. It gave me a sense of belonging unique to me -- it wasn't dependent upon the gender image I projected. I could be myself and be appreciated for it.

New Developments

My celibacy didn't last. Life gets in the way of such promises.

After I moved to the Hunter Valley I changed Hormone regimes twice. Each change has brought with it a burst of libido in me, especially just after going on Primogyn Depot. It would seem for me that a change in hormone levels (rather than the level itself) produces raw libido. Which each burst I discovered something about myself -- that the greatest sexual organ I have (apart from my brain) is my whole skin! These bursts don't last however as the hormone levels settle down but the knowledge remains. I can't explain to you just how I know, but it does seem to be a "female" sexuality, in line with my gender, though for me (like everyone else) it's unique.

A side issue of feeling so incredibly sexy is the immense frustration of not having a partner to share it with. I'm not the sort of person who picks people up in bars and nightclubs, and 'm seldom forward enough to make passes at people I know. While I can be just as outrageous as the next person in public, I can also be rather shy in these things. For once masturbation (but not in this instance "jerking off") came as a relief!

I lost my virginity (that is, my transsexual one) a 2nd time in December of 1996, though you're not going to get the details of who, where or how. I'd like to say that it happened when sex ceased to become an issue; that it happened when I became more comfortable with myself and my expression of gender, and when I started accepting my sexuality as well; but it happened during the first burst of libido, when I felt "supercharged" and randy as anything.

So where am I now?

Well after a short period of experimentation, things changed. I got emotionally burned, and it was my own fault. Through this experience I found that I can't just separate sexual pleasure from emotional attachment. If I start having sexual relations with someone, I get emotionally attached to with them, whether they are with me or not. And when they're not, that that's the start of a codependent pattern for me.

And I don't want to going back to being codependent again. It's just not healthy. You can see how "one night stands" are pointless to me -- there's no emotional connection for me. With all the effort it'd taken for me to get out of my shell, I retreated back into it again. I learned (the hard way) that I need to be with the right person, not rush in and get burned again. Especially if I burn myself!

For me then,

Sex is nice;
friendship is better;
both are best.

Also, after the 1997 Mardi Gra, I just didn't have the time (due to university) to travel much to other cities; 1997 was a long and eventful year. There have been some exception, Brisbane is one. But on the whole I've hung around the Hunter Valley. Not that I haven't experimented. In August of '97 I had some cyber sex (another first). Really, it's a form of mutual masturbation based on text fantasies. But you know what? It was the best sex I've had all year! Fun, but hardly something I'd look for on a regular basis.

Even so, going to university has made a difference too. Even if all the right opportunities presented themselves tomorrow, I just wouldn't have time to follow up. And somehow, it's less important. Maybe it's the hormones I take. I've had bursts of libido while changing hormone treatments (cyclic patterns of depression and randiness) but I haven't had that in some time.

Where to now?

Lately my sex drive is at an all time low, but most of the time it doesn't matter -- I'm busy getting on with life anyway. Sometimes I do feel the lack of a partner deeply. Truth is I've always been a sensuous being -- that's why I learned massage. Living without that touch is like being in a desert. In the past I didn't know how to handle it, but tomorrow is another day -- maybe an oasis will bloom.

When I review the past, I realize that over the years I've had "crushes" on a number of people, both male and female. At the time I didn't think of them as crushes, but when I look at my actions now I can see them as such. Just shows you what self-repression does. I know that I can't be monosexual (either hetero- or homo-) because it's just not me. And choice of partner isn't dependent upon genitalia or gender, but on trust and personality.

I desire not "true love" or a "quick fuck", but friendship and honest intimacy, where each partner rejoices in the other and accepts them (and their body) for who they are. And maybe this time around I stand a better chance of getting that. There's no rush -- quality is worth waiting for. If friendship/companionship and a bit of sensual/sexual fun come my way then great, but I wont wither on the vine waiting for them...

Perhaps if I use bisexual I'm using the wrong word. Maybe, instead, I should use "bi-amorous" instead. Like the shift from transsexual to transgender in the 1980s, a shift from bisexual to bi-amorous would have a similar shift in emphasis. And also, I've recently come to another revelation -- just what turns me on.

Autogynephilia

The first clue given to me when I had cybersex. That worked for one reason and one reason only. My sexual imagination. The image I had of me was female one, enjoying sexual intercourse as a woman. Now this doesn't presuppose the type of activity, but the subject -- me. The confirmation came when I read an article entitled "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies:" An Introduction to the Concept of Autogynephilia. Despite the use of the cliche, this is a well researched article that suggests that one of the driving forces in some transsexuals is autogynephilia.

As Dr Lawrence points out, this is considered a "paraphilia"(1), as "`normal` non-paraphilic sexuality necessarily involves arousal primarily toward other people". In the case of autogynephilia, one is aroused not directly by other people, but by the concept or fantasy of oneself responding sexually as a woman. Like the idea of transsexuality as displacement activity, for me the "penny dropped" -- this situation applied to me! This explained why say, my sexual experiments didn't work that well. The physical reality didn't match my own internal image/fantasy of how I "should" respond. In fact, it probably can't until after I have surgery.

This I can't say for certain until after surgery, but I could test my theory by...   ...what else but masturbation. Sure enough, my assumptions were confirmed. If I masturbate without any fantasy, or with one of me as I am, nothing much happens. But if I masturbate with imagery of myself as female -- fireworks! The period where I was "on heat" now makes sense. The hormones were stimulating my body, especially in areas like the breasts and thighs that I associate with the female/woman's body. My body was hooking into my own sexuality, and randiness was the result. In fact that's why it doesn't matter whether the attraction is either a hetero- or homo- sexual one. What matters how it conforms with my sexual self imagery, which has me as a female/woman.

Now I'm not saying that this applies in exactly the same way to ever other transgendered person, only that it does to me. And if it works for one person, why not another? Here can be seen why places like the Taxi Club are such attractions to transgendered women and punters alike. It gives vent to common sexual fantasy/imagery. And now I have further confirmation as to why I need/want to go ahead with reassignment surgery. I may not be orgasmic post-surgery. I may not be responsive at all. But, now I understand my sexuality a little better, it makes sense to have a body that matches it.

I have a number of Goddesses in my pagan pantheon. There's maidens, mothers and crones, but no lovers. One of my mother goddesses is Hestia, whose Roman name was Vesta. Ever heard of the Vestal Virgins? Well no thank you, I don't want to be one! Maybe it's time for me to add another Goddess to my pantheon. Maybe it's about time that I go to to know Aphrodite. We'll see.

While I fully intend to get my operation, I don't want it until AFTER university. It's a matter of setting my priorities right, of getting my life in order before I make a final physical change. Settling in at home, and succeeding at university are right now much more important to me.

I'll get my vagina, I know it. But I won't be converting my genitals from one set to another just so I can fuck men. I'll be getting it for me, in the first and primary sense of things. You'll see though, when I'm all healed, I look forward to losing my virginity for a third time.

Footnotes

(1) Money defines a paraphilia as "a condition in men and women... ...on an unusual and personally or socially unacceptable stimulus, perceived or in the the ideation and imagination of fantasy, for optimal initiation and maintenance of erotosexual arousal and the facilitation or attainment of orgasm" (p216, Gay Straight and In-Between).