Religion: Becoming Pagan

My family was technically methodist but we only ever attended church for the usual three functions (birth, marriage and death). When I was 12 my parents were talked in to sending me to Sunday School for three years at the Church of Christ.

I sat there and listened to what was said, and it all fell flat -- the barren promises of a patriarchal jealous God. I listened to it and did not recognise myself as a person that was included in the sermons. And what was said was not consistent. At high school I'd argue in the religous class with the lay minister who taught it. But he wasn't on the same level. Apart from the bible, I was more widely read than he.

In my teens I learnt Astrology and can do a natal chart. But my time spent doing so showed me that Astrology by itself was worthless, like being able to read the weather and, not knowing any geography, being unable to predict where it would apply to. In my teens I had a burning ambition, to be a magician, to appear on the stage and on the street and amaze people with slight of hand and other feats.

I read and read and read. It was a way of escaping an otherwise intolerable life at highschool, one in which I was subjected to all sorts of misunderstandings and (being treated as the wrong gender) impossible responses. I hide in the library and read all about freaks, witches, sorcerers, myths, religions, sexuality -- everything.

And what made it worse was that I was and am empathic. I can "pick up" on what people are feeling (not thinking). Interpreting that was another thing however. My own fears clouded things over. I was afraid to be me, because deep down I was afraid of that person; afraid that in being me, I would lose all my family or friends, and be treated as something of disgust or pity, or be "put away" in an institution.

My readings showed me how time and again people were killed and repressed for just being different. And the people who killed and repressed them though nothing of it. So I kept quiet for a long long time. And oddly enough my first contact with real pagans came thru Star trek.

I'm a life member of a Star trek club in Western Australia. I'm friends with two other life members, known them for over 20 years (I was at their wedding). And they're both pagan. And it seems that i also knew others, though it wasn't obvious at the time, who were pagan also. Pagan, and not just "witches".

Relationships

But the first real encounter with pagansim was with my last girlfriend.

She was a didiki, a part gypsy, transsexual, and searching for her routes. In the previous generation, her family had converted to Baptists and her father was very authoritarian. When she started transition, her church sent a lay minister around to "exorcise" her!

But she lost her christian faith. Her problems were not solved by remaining christian, they were made worse, because she became a "2nd class" christian. She was told to sit at the back of the church so that others wouldn't see, or come but wearing male clothes. Once she went to a christian counsellor with another TS christian friend. They were both told the same thing -- that their friend would "pass", but that they wouldn't. And her family disowned her.

I knew a lot about this because it was more real for me than she knew.

That's because I was transsexual too, but was "living my life" through hers. It wasn't until the end of the relationship that I came out about that. In the meantime I saw her suffer. Eventually she tore up her bible (literally, I saw her rip it to shreds and stuff it in a rubbish bin) and started to follow her own heart.

She started following the Goddess. And things changed. She had her reassignment surgery and while on the operating table had a dream of a huge towering golden version of herself carrying her in her arms. It was the Goddess, as much a part of her as me and all people, whether they acknowledge her or not. And we tried magic. She started believing in herself a bit more and showing extra talents like clairaudience and clairvoyance. Once I came home to find her talking Romney in her sleep while holding a crystal ball. She dreampt of where I'd just been and what I'd just been doing. Other things happened that just couldn't be explained in any other way.

And through all this was yet another personal tragedy. Her surgery failed. She had complicated medical problems that couldn't be fixed. And yet, in the long run this was for the best for both of us. I'd financed the op, and felt immense guilt because it hadn't gone well. I took on all the responsibility of it. She cracked several times, got suicidal and ended up in psych wards. Because I was acting in such a codependent manner, I felt it twice as much. She was in pain and I couldn't be there for her.

Eventually we broke up and I started my own gender transition. Initially I was no more pagan than anyone else. But I read. I spent a good deal of time in the libraries reading all sorts of things. And I read books on religion too. I came across spell books and they seemed to hint at a religious framework behind it all. And I read a book called "Goddesses in Every Woman". It used six greek Goddesses (Hera, Demeter, Persephone, Artemis, Athena & Aphrodite) to represent six types of women. I'd read a lot of greek mythology back in Highschool and felt it stir a chord in me.

And I was now living close to my pagan friends. I came to rely on them more. As I spent time with them I could see how for them being pagan wasn't about making spells (though that was included) but about a way of life. It turned out that individually I knew all but one person of the circle that they went to! More and more I was seeing paganism as a way of life, and one that appealed to me. Not because of some divine edict, that said "do this or else!", but as a personal response to natural cycles and tides, of emotion, of change, of life.

But the big crunch came when I couldn't stay in the public service anymore. I'd been in it for 18 years. And with my gender transition, came changes in other things as well. I reasoned that just "changing sex" was pointless without genuine and lasting change within myself for the better. Otherwise, it was little better than drag, a false image that I didn't want. I realised that to make the transition work, I had to follow where it took me, no matter how unexpected that might be.

And there came a breaking point for me at work, when they wanted to turn me into a tele-marketing clerk. The thought of answering calls all day, and having my voice and gender questioned repeatedly, was not one I relished. And other things happened too -- I was accosted coming home from the Star trek club by idiots in a 4 wheel drive, who shouted death threats as they drove past several times.

I felt emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. Nothing worked for me, or not often anyway. I was looking for new ways of doing things, of a new way of being. I knew that it was time to move on.

Vision Quest

I decided to try a trip to Sydney, to do a geographical, to sort myself out. Just before I went east, I attended the Summer Solstice held by my friend's circle. I looked up at the sky and vowed to look for Hecate (Wisdom) while in the east. And I found her too.

I went on a vision quest.

Sydney

But, things had changed while on that quest. By going to Sydney I'd put myself in a difficult and competitive environment. It was do or die, and I almost died. There came a point where I debated throwing myself off a cliff above Manly Beach. Even then I couldn't decide!!!

The only thing that saved me was realising that if I didn't make up my mind, I'd miss the bus to a 12 step meeting! Up I got and ran for the bus. I got lost on the way running through a nature reserve. I ran down a pathway flanked by low growing trees and shrubs. The further I ran the darker and deader the trees and shrubs became, like some dark fairytale pathway. Spiders hung from webs that blocked the way. I didn't know where I was and almost expected a castle at the other end. I was in a panic.

And then, I came to a clearing and there was a castle of sorts. An old derelict gun emplacement from World War II just stood there, ignoring me entirely. I found my way again and caught that bus. And when I got to the 12 step meeting, I discovered that I wasn't alone thinking of suicide, half the meeting had been too! And someone explained to me that the internal voice I'd heard was not the voice of God, but the voice of shame.

And that may have been the turning point. For I knew that to survive I'd need a "higher power", a source of energy and hope outside myself, if I was to recover and prosper. But what was that higher power? I already knew the answer.

It was the Goddess. Back in Perth I had many friends who were Wiccan, and they were the most whole and honest people I knew. My last lover had channelled an aspect of Her, so I was no stranger to Her. I had already started to believe, as part of a natural progression in my spirituality.

Newcastle

A week later it was put to the test. I was staying in a transgender refuge, and for one dreadful week, no counsellors were available. I knew that I wouldn't survive emotionally without them (the refuge was the least supportive environment I've ever known), but didn't know what to do.

Before I'd left Perth, I'd been to an Esbat of some friends. I stated at that that I was going to Sydney to find Hecate (wisdom) and it was then that I found her. As I considered what to do, I kept on hearing in my head a song by the pretenders. I can't help feeling that I had the Goddess at my shoulder on that day. As I said a prayer (adapted from the Unity Church): The light of the Goddess surrounds me,

The love of the Goddess enfolds me,

The power of the Goddess protects me,

The presence of the Goddess watches over me,

Where I am the Goddess is,

Thank you Goddess...

I decided to take a trip to Newcastle. I'd been there before to see a psych, and knew one or two people there. I called them and asked if I could stay a week. The answer was yes, and off I went. And I new I'd be safe, and that going was the right thing to do. I wasn't wrong. Newcastle turned out to be a much friendlier city than Sydney (or even Perth) and I was determined to settle in the area, even if not directly in town. I liked the place, and somehow I could sense, that it would be a healing place for me to be at.

But still there were loose ends in my life to chase and tie up as best I could. The 2nd most important thing for me to do, was becoming an artist -- being trained properly in creating art and craft. Where was I going to do that? Newcastle had a university, but I knew nothing about it.

Some friends in Lismore suggested that I visit them and while there, check out the local University, so I went there to do exactly that. In the early morning I said a a prayer to Her and did a Tarot reading for myself (something I'm good at). Then I pulled a rune for further clarification. Both said the same: trust your inner processes.

I looked at the University, and was disappointed with it. But upon entering the Art Block, and smelling the turps and paint smells, I knew that I was right in what I wanted to do. How to reconcile the two. After some angst, I decided that I would first move to Newcastle, and then apply to the university there. If I failed to get in, then I'd apply for Lismore instead. I explained this to my friends.

Since all the decisions were made, they suggested that I visit Byron Bay, which was only a few kilometers away. I did so, and stayed there two days.

Byron Bay

And Byron Bay, was where I initiated myself.

I liked the town, not for any intrinsic spiritual qualities (it doesn't seem to have any), but for it's honest tackiness and tourist trap front. I stayed in a youth lodge for most of the time, and had a look at the shops in town. I found Abraxas Bookshop there and in this shop I found the Tarot deck that I'd been looking for in over a year. It was a Connoly deck, and matched a book I'd bought by the same author. I also bought a book of Women's Circles and Rituals, and use it to this day.

Then I went to the beach to have a look. I was surprised to discover how much it reminded me of the north beach at Manly, the one I'd almost killed myself at. It had the same sweeping curve, lined with pine trees, going to a point. Only on this point there was a lighthouse. Rumour had it that two ley lines intersected at that point. And the lodge I was staying at ran dawn tours of the place. I was determined to go...

Next morning I went with a group of eight. We had a champagne breakfast while we waited for the sun to come up. And I waited eagerly for this. Just as it did, I ventured out to a forward observation deck and began my dedication. I greeted the Sun, and with it the Goddess too. And there and then, I dedicated myself to Her, as a willing and loyal follower and daughter, and I dedicated myself to living a fulfilled and joyous life in Her honour. From that moment I was Hers, and willingly too.

I felt relieved and exhilarated and I knew that nothing would stop me from that point on, provided that i remain loyal and sincere, and I believe I have since then.

Perth

Later I returned to Perth for a brief visit before initially moving to Newcastle. Lots of small details had to be arranged. I needed to organise leaving work, sorting out a few things with friends and family, and tieing up loose ends.

It was here that I had a second initiation. It was important to me that I be initiated by my Wiccan friends. We waited for a full moon and I repeated my vows within their circle, and felt better for it. The following photograph was taken just after this event. You can see how happy and cheerful I am:

It was here that I gained my wiccan name (which came to me in a dream): Pollychrome, daughter of two rainbows. And those two rainbows are very dear to me. One is the rainbow of the Queer Community, and the other is the rainbow of the Magical / New Age Community. I'm complete only with both of them.

And that was how i was initiated. It was a big one but a right one too. For the Goddess gives me strength and helps me carry one, and in the process I'm beginning to live the life that I pledged for Her and me, a full one complete with joy and enthusiasm. It's not all smooth a ride, but it's one I know I'll enjoy. My patrons are but aspects of the Great Goddess and through them I honour Her further.

Things changed. I found somewhere to live, and somewhere to study. I moved from Perth to Newcastle. I stopped being a public servant and started being a university student. And I started not only studying, but putting things into practice. Much harder than it seems. Since then, my Higher Power has been at work directing certain things in my life. I kept meeting the people I needed to, and getting what I needed (not what i wanted).

I discovered Cybele, Attis, and the Gallae. Adopted daughters of the Goddess, and knew what I was. I have antecedents, a spiritual heritage, and an honest one. And magic works! It works when I have absolute faith, and don't hold back anything. It worked to get me my house, my dog, and a boarder. It works for the best of me.

My learning is erratic and my studies ecliptic, but I make progress in the areas that matter for me. And when I need a teacher, the right person comes along just at the right time. So it goes...

Blessed Be.