- Passing -- that is, not being detected as being transgendered;
- Sex with men -- if they find you attractive then you're doing something right;
- Having your own vagina -- you must be a woman if you've got one, right?
...but really none of these do...
- If you pass, well and good, but what it means is that you're good at adhering to other people's expectations of a stereotype;
- Men will have sex with lots of things, not just women (ask any gay man);
- And plenty of transgendered men still have their vaginas -- they're not women!
Now I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with any of these things in themselves. I pass (most of the time) though it's less of a conscious thing these days; I've had sex with men; and I intend to have reassignment surgery. And none of these defines me as a woman -- I feel that I already am.
To have these things as a sole or main means of feeling that your life is OK, seems the height of folly to me. The worst fate I could imagine would be to have my surgery, to be undetectable, but in doing so, be so afraid to share any of this (of who I am) with any friends or lovers I might have.
That would be achieving a goal and never being able to enjoy it. It would be a hollow mockery of life. Rather (for me at least) be open and have friends and lovers who accept me for who I am. Maybe they'll be smaller in number, but it's quality, not quantity that counts...
I also gave a plenary at the 1998 National Organisation of Women Students of Australia (NOWSA) conference. You might want to read the NOWSA talk, as it expands upon points raised here, and the Queer Stuff Comic.