NOTE:This was written as a first draft of a contribution to the book Girls Talk. The final result was much abbreviated. Just bear in mind that this has been written for highschool students in mind.
Introduction
When I was a teenager, I had a deep dark secret. I knew that I was different. I instinctively knew if the other kids at school knew about this difference, they would make fun of me or worse. I felt that I couldn't "come out" to other people about this secret, that it was so terrible and people would think me mad. As it happened, I didn't come out about it until I was 36, and finally then did I do something about it.
If you think that this means that I was gay or lesbian, you'd be wrong. I was transsexual, and that's something that's very different from being homosexual. I was born with a penis and raised as a boy. That didn't make me one however. Deep down I knew I was a girl, no matter what my body looked like. As I write this, my body has changed and continues to change. These changes happen only because I take female hormones. It's these that other women have naturally in varying levels, that make a woman look like a woman.
When a person reaches adolescence, whether they're male or female, it's hormones that make them grow and change. Girls develop breasts and start menstruating; boys get muscular and start having wet dreams. This can be embarrassing even if you expect it. You can feel awkward and out of place, somewhere in between being a child and an adult. At least that's how I felt. To make matters worse, my body didn't develop the way I hoped it would. My body was transforming into that of a man, whereas my mind and soul, my gender, was that of a woman. So what's the difference?
Sex & Gender
Why aren't things simpler? How could I look like a man but think I was a woman? This happens because sex and gender are not the same thing. Sex is the blueprint by which your body is born and changes throughout life. Everyone has what are called chromosomes and these come in two varies: "X" and "Y". In general, you're female if you have two X chromosomes (XX) and male if you have an X and a Y (XY). That seems simple enough doesn't it? Everyone's either male or female aren't they?
The answer is no. Some people have a single X chromosome (XO, called Turner's Syndrome) or have two X and a Y (XXY) or even one X and two Y (XYY). These people might develop and look like others, or they might be underdeveloped or very aggressive. But outwardly, they will look like just like anyone else. There are also hermaphrodites, or intersexed people. An intersexed person has both sets of genitals, a penis and a vagina. Sometimes such a person might not even know that they're intersexed, as doctors will operate and remove one set of genitals after they were born. This has been criticized because it removes choice from the person involved, and attempts to force them into being either male or female.
That's sex, what about gender?
Gender is all the qualities that we (either individually or as a society or culture) believe belong to a particular sex. The gender of a female person is considered to be that of a girl or woman. The gender of a male person is considered to be that of a boy or a man. You can't escape from gender. It's how you think of yourself , and how others think of you. Your gender is "assigned" to you at birth by the doctor/midwife that delivered you when they say to your parents: "It's a healthy baby boy/girl." Ever after you have that label attached to you: girl/woman, or boy/man.
People will assume that if you're a girl, you have one set of qualities (e.g. being passive and wanting to mix socially); and if you're a boy, another set of qualities (e.g. being aggressive and independent). This is because we are brought up to see these qualities in everything that we watch, read or hear. When we act differently to how people expect us to behave, we are treated less fair and people will try to correct us. Girls who like adventure, sports and being independent are called "tomboys"; boys who cry or show a lot of emotion are called "sissy" (or worse).
The general sets of qualities (and labels) that people give these genders are called stereotypes. Stereotypes are easy to think of and remember. Pictures of what men and women are, and what they do, are so clearly presented to us in the media (TV, Films, Radio et cetera).
But "the map is not the territory". Just because you see something on TV or Film, read or hear about it, doesn't make it true, or even the whole or only truth. I'm sure you've all seen adverts on TV where one thing is transformed into another thing, as if it were moulded in clay. No one believes that those images are real, that they represent something that actually happened, it's just special effects. But people believe what they see about gender.
But no stereotype, no matter how detailed it might be, is going to fit a particular person exactly.
Why it happens
Stereotypes exist in our culture because they're an easy shortcut to learning sets of rules. Most of these rules are "unwritten" and change over time, but they're there all the same. For example, if a man opens a door and allows a woman to go through it first, then he's following one of those rules. Because these rules are obvious but unwritten, it means that person doesn't have to think about what to do constantly.
What happens though, is that people forget that these are only guidelines, and that the guidelines were created and maintained by our society. They think that there is no difference between sex and gender; that a particular gender's stereotype has always been that way, in all cultures and throughout history and will never change; that it's natural that only a female person should be a girl/woman, and only a male person be a boy/man.
When you think that way, it's hard to think any differently, and anyone who's different from what you expect becomes a worry to you. If you are unsure about yourself, then anyone who shows that there might be other ways to act will make you think. And a lot of people don't like to think. If you believe a man's stereotype as including loving women exclusively, then any man who loves another man is going to challenge that.
This is where people like myself come in. We challenge the basic idea that only females can be women, and that only males can be men. We don't set out to do this intentionally, it's just the way things are for us.
Being Transgendered
If you are a transsexual person, your sex doesn't match your gender.
There are a number of theories about why it should happen. One idea is that our transsexualism is genetically based -- something that happened when we were still fetuses in our mother's womb -- a birth defect. Another idea is that we are the way we are, because of environmental factors such as upbringing and society. Other concepts are a mix of both. None have been proven, or demonstrated to apply in even a minority of cases.
I'm male (XY) but my gender is that of a woman. I dress and behave as a woman. I take female hormones to change my body and will (at time of writing) have surgery to convert my penis and scrotum into a vagina. I am a woman, a transsexual woman. There are also people whose sex is female (XX) but whose gender is that of a boy/man. They dress and behave as a man. They take male hormones to change their body and will have operations to remove both breasts and uterus. They are men, transsexual men.
The process that transsexual people go through to achieve these things is called gender transition. This transition is complete when there are no more hormonal, surgical or social changes to be made. By undergoing gender transition, transsexual women and men are adjusting their bodies to fit their gender.
If this seems a bit extreme to you, then understand that it is to make us happy and sane that we do it. In general, society assumes that women don't have penises, and that men don't have vaginas. This is because gender is confused with sex, the map is mistaken for the territory. Humans are social animals. We seldom exist just by ourselves, but with others who share our heritage, family tree, interests, or goals. We have all been influenced by the society around us. And it is easier to change our bodies than it is our minds.
Not everyone undertakes all these changes. Some people will only take hormones, not undergo surgery. Others will only dress and behave in their appropriate gender and not have any medical treatment at all. There are all sorts of reasons for this, but the bottom line is that everyone does what they need to do, to adjust themselves to who they see themselves as. Transsexuals are "transgendered", because we do not have the gender that was assigned to us at birth. The term Transgender can be applied to anyone like that, regardless of whether they are taking hormones or had surgery.
Gender & Sexuality
When I began my gender transition I was very unsure of myself. Feeling like a woman is one thing, doing it another. Because I was reared as a boy I wasn't taught social skills like other women (e.g. applying makeup), and had to learn them in a very short time. There were lots of mistakes made and upsets on the way. I had to think about a lot of things, and one of those was sexuality.
As much as sex and gender get mixed up, gender and sexuality get just as mixed. As you've read above, gender is who you are and how you fit in society. Sexuality is who and how you love. Some people assume that if I'm transgendered, I must be homosexual. This is not the case.
A heterosexual is someone who loves a person of the other gender. A homosexual is someone who loves a person of the same gender. Both heterosexuals and homosexuals can be said to be monosexual, because their preference doesn't change. A bisexual is someone who loves people regardless of their gender. I say gender instead of sex here because these names (or labels) are given to people by society in general. And society doesn't do sex tests on you as you walk down the street. People make assumptions about you on how you look and behave, not the body you have on underneath your clothes.
This is why certain boys (and girls) get picked on in the school yard. The other kids assume by their behaviour that they're gay or lesbian. And where do the other kids get this idea from? From TV, Films, and talking to other kids. The sorts of things you see on TV and Films, as I've said above, can be simple stereotypes or just not true. And think about it -- how does another kid know any better than you do about this, unless they're that way themselves!
When I was at school, I found that other kids could be really vicious and cruel, especially in groups. I was hassled a lot and I guess everyone thought I was gay. Now when I look back, I see that everyone else there was just as unsure of themselves as I was. By picking on me they could reassure themselves that they were OK. Doesn't make it any easier on me, or you, if you're a bit different. No wonder I never said anything to anyone!
Just as I learned that a woman isn't defined by what she has between her legs, I also learnt that a woman isn't defined by who (or how) she loves. I'm bisexual, so I love both men and women. To me, packaging isn't important, it's the person underneath that counts. This doesn't mean though that I'm easy with my affections. There are a lot of people out there that will just use you for their own reasons, and then leave you in the lurch. Get mixed up with the wrong person and you let yourself in for misery and humiliation. I had to learn this the hard way, but I also gained a bit more self-respect for myself along the way for doing so. And self-respect will get you a lot further than grasping for love.
Issues of growing up
As I write this I'm aware of just who I'm writing this for. You are all young people, in the process of becoming adults. I hope that the things I've talked about above will make you stop and consider a few things, and make others clearer for you.
When I was in high school I was confused and frightened. There were so many changes happening to me that were beyond my control. The ideas and concepts I had of the world were not very clear either. I was moving from childhood where everything was simple or explained away, to Adulthood where things were complex and needed a bit of understanding. I bet that not much has changed in the school yard, and that kids are still kids, learning, making mistakes, and finding their way about. Treasure this, because once you're adult people will expect you to fend for yourself and for you to know where you're going, whether you do or not.
I hope that by explaining what I have, things are now clearer in your mind about the differences between sex, gender, and sexuality. If you can keep those differences clear, then perhaps adolescence will be easier to get through, and you'll be better equipped in this world as an adult. Also, perhaps you'll be a bit more tolerant of difference at school or elsewhere. In the long run, you're the one who benefits from being so.
If you think you are transgendered, then talk to someone! If not your parents, then to a school counsellor, or a doctor, but talk to someone. Get the issue discussed. It's only really when you start talking about it with others, that it will become clearer. You might not be, you might simply have a different sexuality from others (or both).
Keeping things to yourself and worrying about them doesn't work. I know because I tried. All it does is create stress in yourself and put off dealing with the issue. Once you've faced things you move on, to a happier, better life. And isn't that worth thinking about?