Issues - Aesthetics

I can only write about aesthetics from my own viewpoint here, rather than in general. I've learnt studying visual arts that in painting one person's masterpiece is another's jumble of mismatched colours. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

When I started my transition, I had to have an idea of where I was going with it: what I wanted to do and what I wanted to avoid. I still do, and I believe that on the whole I've been true to that vision. Some of this image was influenced by my environment just before I transitioned. I reasoned that because I'd spent so many years in denial and pretending to be someone else, that these were things that I definitely didn't want to do in the future. I wanted to be, and genuinely feel, authentic.

Rejection of TV Glamour

I ran Chameleons for several years. This is a support group for TVs and TSs. Mostly it appealed to TVs, because it provided a safe venue to dress. Now I tried on the label of TV myself, and it just wasn't comfortable for me. For me, it was another way of hiding who I really was, and one that produced paranoia.

So what exactly is "TV Glamour"? It's the total application of oneself to "passing" as particular gender set (most often that of a woman). Don't get me wrong, "dressing up" can be fun (can thousands of TVs be wrong?) but the more energy I'd put into that, the less chance I'd put into developing the real me. The en femme persona I had -- Lorretta Strange -- was no more "me" than He'd been. And the mindset where this was something to be hidden, to be covered up, was just another way of denial.

This is why you won't see too many "glamour shots" of me at this site. One of the things about dressing up is the emphasis on glamour and sometimes sleaziness. It's as if because one can't dress all the time, one dresses as flash as one can get. Now this can look very authentic but if you look at women in general (baring professions like model and sex-worker), we don't dress that way all the time. Neither do I, and when I started I rejected that look.

No doubt when I began, I had an awkward look about me. It takes time to build up a decent wardrobe when you frequent op-shops mostly. I didn't want to look like either a TV or an old age pensioner!

Sometimes when I go to the Taxi Club I see the "TV look" all around, but I don't have to adopt it myself (especially if I'm not seeking validation through sex). To feel authentic I had to develop a presentation of my own. And I believe I have. It tends to be a cross between feral, uni student and country. I prefer low heels to high, less make-up than more, short fingernails to long (too hard for me to maintain as an active artist), and comfortable clothes to flashy.

Sex Reassignment Surgery

Because I was concerned about being real, about feeling "authentic", I had to consider the implications of this as far as body changes went. We live in an age of plastic and cosmetic surgery, where for the right price you can be "made over" in any way that you want. Now of course the reassignment surgery is just that -- cosmetic surgery. I had to think about this surgery long and hard.

One of the reasons was that my last partner was also a transsexual woman (you can see her in the photo above, kneeling down). She'd had her surgery and afterwards there'd been complications. And because of those complications and the stress caused by them, she'd had a nervous breakdown. Our relationship broke up shortly thereafter. I'd seen the worst result of the op, and wasn't keen to be in a hurry to have it.

So I didn't immediately commit myself to surgery. I waited while my body changed under the influence of hormone replacement therapy. Things have happened: my face has become more feminine; my skin is softer and there is much less hair growth; I have size B breasts (and a tendency to be overweight). And the bottom line is that I don't believe that one's genitals define one as one gender or another.

Other Modifications

Breast augmentation is another matter. Unlike SRS, the results are not permanent. Even if one uses saline (definitely not silicon!) implants, they need to be replaced after a given length of time. This involves surgery at some indefinite future date. I'd hoped for the least amount of surgical intervention on my body. And the results of implants are psychological and temporary at best.

A Girl I met in Perth once tried to convince me that the opposite was true -- that woman compete with each other for breast size. I know that this is (on the whole) untrue). I am lucky enough to have two non-transgendered woman friends. One was a size A, and the other a DD. And both are good friends, and great people to know. Personality has nothing to do with breast size, neither does sexiness, only in the minds of some men is this the case.

I'm a B at the moment, and probably unlikely to change much from this. Sometimes I regret not having a C cup, but I reject augmentation as such as being (for me) unauthentic. Having my genitals reconstructed is one thing. All the parts come from me -- implants don't.

Besides, it's often said that any more than a handful is a waste!

I'm currently undergoing a program of orthodontics too. I've always had crooked teeth, for as long as I can remember. When I was having a filling repaired, the dentist mentioned that it could be fixed. So I took up the opportunity and have had some results. We'll see if this makes a long term difference. I've never been able to grind my teeth in the past -- I'm starting be able to now!