Hilaria

Saturday 4^th

Robyn had an early breakfast and had a saline drip installed for further corrective surgery later today. I'm stuck in bed, for at least five days. This is to ensure that that skin graft takes. If I get up and walk about, there's a small but distinct chance that it might fall out.

    I'm staying in bed!

I had a peculiar call from admin about breakfasts, and a technician came to fix the phone -- the receiver had been loose since I'd dropped it yesterday.

My pubic hair is so itchy! Sweat and regrowing hair don't mix. The cleaners have a habit of turning off the air conditioning while they're doing their job, but forgetting to turn it back on later. I also had really intense zingers.

Robyn waited and waited and waited for her to go up. While she waited, she drew a smiley face in texture above her genitals, as joke for the surgeon (I hope he gets it). Robyn was supposed to go at Noon but didn't get away until 3:20pm.

I dozed a lot while she was away. the graft and anaesthetic seem to have taken a lot out of me. Robyn returned at 5pm. I was still getting lots of zingers all night.

Sunday 5^th

An "off" day with not much happening. Robyn was better and up out of bed. She washed her hair and I still itch below. I dozed off.

The surgeon arrived and changed Robyn's dressing, which must have hurt. I was told that I'd have my packing and catheters removed on Wednesday.

Jenny is up and about, and has her catheter out already. She seems very fit and seems to recover well.

I felt extremely itchy that night. I was also getting a number of sensations from pin attacks to zingers, and also ones that felt like...

• someone putting a wire between my legs and pulling it up towards my head with force.

• having my pubic mound filed away with an old rusty wood file.

• my whole genitals were being pinched and squeezed like they were being folded like a letter.

     ...but the itch, that was the worst! After a visit from Jenny I buzzed the nurse and they had a look at my public hair. It was bright red with a rash. They checked, and came back with some calamine lotion. The itch subsided and I was able to relax at last.

Monday 6^st

This morning I was woken by the nurses checking me, and then dozed off. I finally woke up and watched a video. Robyn was on the balcony having a smoke when the anaesthesiologist came in and removed her epidural feed. Seems she won't need more corrective surgery now -- everything fixed.

I dozed again, just felt so tired. Some Girls from Australia arrived. while I was having lunch. The oldest one was having a colon extension, and the other was here for her main surgery.

But the last one, the way she was carrying on was something else. She was so worked up saying that the room she had was substandard, that they didn't have a TV, and that the health department should be called in! Was she nervous? Maybe, but she seemed so aggressive. I was not too impressed with her ranting while I was in bed, recovering, and finding nothing that she mentioned to be correct.

She went on about the surgery being only "the icing on the cake" and how she didn't have to have it -- fine, but why was she here then? The chances were that they were placed in a temporary room until an air-conditioned one was vacant. This is what had happened with Destiny -- they changed her room while she was in surgery. The surgeon arrived, proceeded to ignore them mostly, and inspected my rash. He said that it was either a fungal growth or an allergy and I was given some Diprozine to treat it. Meanwhile the two Australian Girls left for their rooms.

Robyn felt much better today. She's been wearing makeup and jewellery again, and her own tops, though she still wears a hospital sarong. Late in the afternoon she had the Foley's removed as well.

Tuesday 7^th

The surgeon came in this morning for inspection, and confirmed that the "unveiling" would still be tomorrow.

Jenny came in to say goodbye, and said that she'd keep in touch.

The big topic of the day between Robyn and myself however was the two Australian Girls that'd checked in yesterday. We were still amazed at their aggressive attitude. In Thailand it pays to be polite, and they'd been anything but.

In the afternoon I tried phoning people in Australia. I tried phoning my mother, my brother, Jo a friend of my mother's but to no avail. I'd just get a recorded message saying that the number was either changed or disconnected. I didn't know what the problem was but it meant that I could get a direct connect back home.

Robyn went to visit a Girl from Hong Kong. We talked for a bit after she returned, and Robyn is considering undertaking a professional counselling course.

I tried emailing again but got wrong numbers -- Argh! I decided to write emails again and passed them on to Pim to retype and post.

My brother Mark phone about 7:30pm. It was about 8:30pm in Western Australia. I told him that I was OK, and that the tubes would be out tomorrow and so on. He'll pass it on to the rest of the family. Apparently my postcard to mum arrived today, so the others should have arrived too. I could just imagine Jo reading his to the dogs.

Wednesday 8^th

The big day, the "unveiling" as Robyn calls it. Watched an early morning video and then we both fell asleep.

After the sponge bath a nurse pushed a trolley in, the same one I'd seen yesterday when Robyn had her catheters removed. Guess it won't be long now.

Finally the surgeon arrived. He:

1. removed the tape holding things in;

2. removed the Foley's catheter. There was a small trickle of urine when it came out;

3. removed the vacuum catheter and packing. I made a "pop" noise with my mouth when it did;

4. cleaned up the outside of the genitals;

5. inserted dilator #2 five inches into my new vagina (though that would shrink slightly until I dilated regularly);

6. and washed and cleaned the vagina with a douche.

How can I describe my feelings during and after the removal?

It wasn't ecstasy, wasn't bliss, and it wasn't exactly happiness (though that was there too). It was pure and simple relief -- that everything had had gone OK and I was now (as I see it) complete.

Then I had a sanitary pad placed with an elastic belt, and got out of bed as well. I was very shaky after being off my feet for so long. I walked around the room for a bit, stood on the balcony and sat down on a chair.

Then I had my first proper bowel movement. It was painful but a relief all the same. The diet in here is tailored for a sedentary stay, and you don't have much to pass normally. Fortunately I never had to use a bed pan.

When I was feeling stronger I went walkies again. I visited Quen (the Girl from Hong Kong) and Destiny, and also visited Portia. Then I had to rush back to my room as I felt the need to pee.

This was a new sensation. After having a catheter in me for ten days I was wondering if I could pee. I sat down, and at first nothing came. then I relaxed and it all trickled out. It felt funny peeing without a penis, like I had been doing for the last 43 years, but it feel so good as well. It trickled all over the place, but Robyn tells me that things will settle down soon enough.

I peed twice more that day and had several movements, but much less painful than before.

After dinner a nurse came with my dilation pack, which consisted of: five plastic dilator (sort of like very stiff dildos); condoms and lube; a syringe ball and a container of bettidine solution. The surgeon will show me what to do tomorrow.

Thursday 9^th

I woke, had breakfast and had to pee. This time it trickled down both sides of my leg.

Then I had a shower, the first after surgery, and it felt so good to wash my hair and comb it clean. The sponge baths were fun (it was just so nice to have the attention) but nothing beats doing it yourself. I had to pat myself down around my genitals, instead of wiping like I used to do when I still had a penis. A sensitive area down there, and still healing.

And I looked in the mirror afterwards before dressing. I looked...

     ...like me, like I always knew I should look, and it felt right. I visited Destiny. She decided to stay a couple of weeks and is going to have a colon extension done. Personally I thought she'd be better going home to New York, recovering properly, and then coming back to have it down. But it's her choice, and her money, and her life. She's a brave kid -- I don't think I could cope with that sort of pain.

Robyn and I were watching a video when the surgeon arrived and took me through the dilation drill. I removed the pad and belt and lay back with my legs up and knees bent and he inserted the dilator. Or tried to -- #2 was just too painful today, but #1 was OK.

A condom was placed over the dilator and lubricant (lube) over that and on the entrance to my vagina. Then the dilator was inserted gently but firmly, until I could feel it reach the rear wall of the vagina. It took a few tries to find the right angle. Then the dilator was removed and I inserted it myself. After a few tries it was removed.

Following the dilation the vagina was douched (cleaned) using the syringe bulb and bettidine wash. Finally and antibateriological cream was applied to the stitches and a new pad attached to the belt and worn.

The diameters of the dilators I had ranged from 2.2 cm (#1) to 3.5 cm (#5). I was told that the size of my vagina would depend upon how frequently I dilated, with various sizes. Essentially dilating prevents the "wound" from closing up. To get a larger vagina I'd need to use bigger dilators, for longer times.

Something to look forward to.

The cleaners came in and gave a pair of earrings to one. The other asked me if the altar was like a Buddhist shrine, and I said it was. I changed into my black lace top, though I was still wearing a hospital sarong. I watched a video but was really distracted. I was waiting for my discharge.

I dilated a second time, under Robyn's supervision. I had a bit of trouble until I relaxed and used a mirror to see what I was doing. The dilator was in for 15 minutes. After a while there was less pain and more sensation. I douched in the bathroom the then dressed fully, wearing my own skirt and panties instead of hospital ones.

Robyn took photos of myself and the cleaners, who'd been very friendly and a lot of fun, throughout our stay there.

I visited Destiny. She was in good spirits and determined to stay another two weeks and have the colon surgery. Portia was asleep so I missed her. Robyn and I visited the two Australian Girls. The younger one was watching a video while the older one (who had a colon extension done) was unconscious with morphine. I wished them luck.

We waited and at 4;20pm the porter finally came and we left. We waved goodbye to the nurses and other staff. It was genuinely meant. Before I'd decided to come to Thailand, well meaning friends in Australia had told me not to. The hospitals will be dirty, seldom cleaned and the staff unreliable they'd said. But I found the reverse to be true. In fact, I found the quality of of the hospital and the staff to be top rate and worthy of the International status of the hospital.

The driver took us back to the hotel again and we settled in. Pim phoned to let us know that Portia will be discharged today, and would be staying at the hotel as well. She'd be bring a printed copy of the "dilation instructions" with her, and I would receive my certificate of surgery before I left for home. I visited Portia later and picked up the instructions. She was hoping to go to Patong to take in a Katoey show, but I gave that a miss. I watched some TV instead, and Robyn and I went out for dinner at 9pm.

When we returned I dilated again. I was nervous as this was the first dilation outside the hospital. It hurt a little but I coped.

A long day but a good one.

Continued with Requietio