Dies Sanguinis 3

Tuesday 31^st

I slept for six hours straight, and had a dream about a dead person looking for messages in an abandoned drive-in. Well it is Sahmain in the Northern Hemisphere (also known as Halloween, it's Beltaine in the Southern Hemisphere) today -- a celebration of death -- so that's not unexpected.

All the news on CNN is focussed on a terrible accident in Taipei, where a Singapore Airlines plane was destroyed. We flew on Singapore Airlines, but luckily not today.

Jenny and Portia came to visit before breakfast, and later when they came to give me the morning's sponge bath, they shaved Robyn's pubes. She had a bit of resistance to this, as she told me that it feels so itchy when they grow back. Funny thing, but I had a bit of a rash in that area, and it felt so terribly itchy. I mentioned this to the nurse.

The cleaners came in and Robyn and I had fun with them, trading English and Thai words. Pim came down to arrange my paying the balance on what was owed for the surgery. I'll have to sort this out later today.

I went for a wander and visited the other Girls. I was on the toilet when they came in to put a "numbing cream" on Robyn and when I came out she was already gone. Another Girl, a Thai who lives in Sydney, came in for a visit while she was away. She seemed very young and had odd ideas about weight loss and taking ecstasy and going to raves. I was watching a video when Robyn was wheeled back in towards the end of it -- so much for walking down! Everything looked red and sore down there, and there was still some bleeding.

Later in the afternoon I went upstairs to try the Internet option in sorting out my payment options. It was a fruitless effect as there was something wrong with my logon, so I went back downstairs. Pim came down and I tried the phone banking option again. This almost worked but I got cut off at the wrong time. I was in tears, so upset about this. The thing is -- I have the money -- but it just seems so difficult to move it about from another country.

I wandered out to talk with the other Girls, and bitch about the problems I was having with my finances. I am just so upset over this, and feel so very tired.

Robyn's bleeding got worse and was all over her sarong. I buzzed for the nurse and after inspecting it she phoned the surgeon. He arranged for corrective surgery. It was now about 6pm, but it wouldn't happen until 8:30pm. We watched a silly video to take her mind off things, but she was in a lot of pain. Robyn might have a high pain threshold, but when she finally feels it -- POW!

They inserted a saline drip and gave her pethidine for the pain. She went off to surgery again, at 8:20pm. I was told that she'd be back down again tonight. I'll wait and see...

     ...watched more TV -- some silly documentary about Australian cattle being sold to the Philippines. Robyn's not here and I'm bored. Then a nurse came and swapped the vacuum drip from my left to my right side, and replaced the cot that Robyn had been using with a proper hospital bed. At 9:30pm though the nurse came in and told me that Robyn had been moved to room 25 and was still unconscious.

I guess I'll see her tomorrow.

 

Wednesday 1^st

I had a disturbing dream last night. In the dream I go to an odd cinema with some friends and later go to a milk bar. I have a milkshake and then pass out. I'm on the floor and dressed Goth. Someone pokes me with a stick up the rectum and I say "try the other hole". Then in the dream I regain consciousness -- my friends are gone and I'm surrounded by MTV youth types. I see someone I recognise and try and catch up with them -- they turn a corner and then come back and say say (angrily) "In our ordnum we use animal spirit names when addressing each other!"

Odd, but I just feel so washed out and lost. There was the usual morning routine of checking blood pressure, sponge bath and breakfast, but it all seemed so perfunctory this morning. I miss Robyn.

Just feel so tired and sad and frustrated and lonely and frightened and all the emotions rolled into one. I laid sideways, facing the window with the light off, shaking and crying. I thought to myself that I ought to be tougher, better, stronger; more able to hold together -- that I wasn't and that things were the worse for that. I felt like shit. I may have been forgetting to take my anti-depressants again.

Then in my mind I heard a song that I've heard before: I'll stand by You by the Pretenders. The song was a sign from Hecate. The last time I'd heard the song in my mind like this, was years ago when I was in Sydney and facing a big decision about my future, and just not knowing what to do. But this time She was letting me know that She was there with me, and that it was OK to feel like I did.

I rallied.

I buzzed the nurse, got disconnected and got up. I found that my altar had been disturbed, that the figurine of DAWN was on its side and my comics placed on top of it. I was angry! I composed myself and then restored the altar and lit a candle, both for Robyn and myself.

Then I got the Foley's drained and went walkabout. Robyn was in room 22, bed 5 (a public room) -- not room 25. She seemed to be in good spirits and much less pain. I also visited Jenny, and together we went back to visit Robyn again. The surgeon came in while we were there to check Robyn. He said that she'd be moved back to my room later. Jenny and I went back to my room and chatted further until the surgeon came in to check me. I had to get back into bed and be re-plugged.

Robyn was wheeled in shortly after and we were hooked up to the same vacuum drip. The pressure was higher than what I was used to.

Portia came for a visit. We swapped videos and Robyn and I watched "The Truman Show". At one point I asked her "We will leave this island won't we?" The hospital, pleasant and clean and efficient as it was, was starting to feel like the massive set in the film -- how much was reality? "Of course" she answered.

The candle finally expired after four hours of burning.

I went for another walk and set of visits. Apart from chatting with Robyn, watching TV/Videos, and reading Queen of the Damned (I'd given up trying to cartoon in this humidity) that was mostly all I could do. Talked to the Girls about surgery, plastic surgeons, facelifts and histories. It helps.

I expect though, that this transient community of transsexuals, all in various stages of surgery and recovery, will only last while we're here. This is sort of like those cruise boats I hear about -- you meet people and have a good time, but later return to the real world. I traded emails with Jenny and Portia, but don't expect much correspondence (it'd be nice to be mistaken). Later I heard from Linda that Jenny had been up for her graft. Have to check on her tomorrow.

I've been getting heaps of intense zingers down below. Nerves reconnecting Robyn says -- some invisible fiend with a cattle-prod maybe! Robyn and I chatted well into the night.

Thursday 2^nd

Pim came down this morning and we sorted out my finances. She made a phone banking call for me, and I was able to pay off what was on the VISA card, so the remainder of the bill can now be paid. It took about 20 minutes to do this. Heavens knows what the phone bill will be...

Visited the other Girls later. Destiny was still sore from the surgery, and Jenny seemed very subdued. Portia was even more homesick today.

I went back to the room for a rest. Robyn was much better now. She disconnected herself and went out to the balcony for a smoke. And who should walk in at that moment? The surgeon of course, who just laughed at how resilient she is. He inspected my wound, and I'm scheduled for the graft about midday tomorrow.

Later at night the nurses came to give me another enema. This one was worse than the last. They told me to wait 10 minutes but I could only wait two. I was stuck on the seat for 30 minutes afterwards, passing everything that I hadn't been able to in the last few days. Argh!

 

Friday 3^rd

I was woken at 6:15am for an early breakfast, after which I had another "NO FOOD OR DRINK" sign placed on the bed. I was also back on the saline drip again, and I was really bed bound. Then I tried watching a video but kept on being interrupted. Annie came for a visit. She's Thai, but was raised in America, over here for a colon extension on her original surgery.

Finally they came for me. I relit the candle at my altar and said prayers to Cybele and Hecate again. I had to wait on a porter to come, and was off at 10:15am.

When I arrived in the theatre, the surgeon was sitting at another table poking at something pink. I couldn't see clearly because my spectacles were back in the room, but this was the skin graft about to be placed in my neo-vagina. The surgeon was removing hair follicles and other excess matter. I had one of the nurses take a photo of this.

The was a problem with my epidural feed, which had been in me since the original surgery. It was removed and an injections made directly to my spine. I was turned on my side and held while the anesthesiologist found the correct spot. The first injection was bearable, but the second very painful. I sung (very meekly) bits of the "Rawhide" theme while they did this, and preyed to the Goddess.

Then I was laid on my back and the next thing I remember...

     ...was waking in the room and Robyn was saying "Welcome back". I don't remember much after this -- I drifted in and out of consciousness for the remainder of the day.

Robyn tells me that at one point I was saying "Bow Wow" and "Woof!" When Robyn tried responding back the same way and I had no reaction she realised that I was not quite there, and said "Well you can't be a dog now, because you have a pussy, you must be a cat." Apparently I started going "Meow, meows, purr..." after that!

     What was I thinking? *smile*

I was conscious enough later to order dinner, and spoke briefly with Pim, and Portia via the phone. She's sick and tired of hospitals, and wishes that her mother had come with her. In "bad taste" she suggested that the airline disaster that happened on Sahmain was actually a big bonfire for the event (gasp).

Continued with Hilaria