Dies Sanguinis 2

Friday 27^th

I had more drops put in my eyes. The left one isn't that bad, but the right is still very sore. The drops they give me sting so much at first and then, well an absence of pain.

I had the first of many sponge baths today (at least twice daily). I have a Foley's catheter attached to my urethra, and a vacuum catheter inserted into the packing in my neo-vagina. Tubes went everywhere, and they had to remove my top and sarong carefully. I was rolled on one side and then the next, while they changed the sheeting and then redressed me. I loved it -- just to lie there and have all this attention. And I showed my appreciation in smiles and nice comments, and I know that these were appreciated by the nurses in turn.

The surgeon came down to inspect the results. Everything seemed in order, though he had them put a cold compress over my right eye. It helped. Finally I slept for a couple of hours, had a good breakfast and a lunch I couldn't finish.

I did however have a religious ritual. You can't see it too clearly in the photo, but I ate of the drum, and drank of the cymbal, like the ancient Gallae. This was important to me, to have this ritual, just as I'd had my "Rite of Passage" earlier.

 

I tried to watch a video but the vision is very blurry in my right eye. My brother Mark sent me a fax -- I was so pleased at getting this! I watched the rest of the video later and dozed off. I had to call the nurse in the middle of the night though, as my eye was still very sore -- more drops.

Saturday 28^th

I woke up and had more eye drops -- that right eye is still hurting!.

Robyn gave me a card that read "Such a lucky Baby Girl...   ...sharing life and love with you." I cried, I was so happy.

Less pain down below today -- more "pin" and "needle" attacks, as I call them (they feel like someone's sticking me with pins, and with needles). I had breakfast and later had some sharp stabbing pains.

I had a phone call from Portia from room 15 (I'm in 14). She had her surgery yesterday. The surgeon visited me at 1pm and told me that I was healing reasonably well, and that it would be OK to walk a bit. I slept a bit after that and then at 2pm tried my first steps.

The nurses unhooked the vacuum catheter, and gave me the Foley's bag to hold. With help I got out of bed and walked very slowly. Robyn and I visited Portia, though we only talked briefly. I started to feel very hot and was seeing spots before my eyes. Robyn walked me back to the room. With help I got back on the bed and the nurses re-attached me to the catheters again.

Today is Robyn's anniversary of her surgery, and I sang "Happy Birthday" to her and gave her a kiss. We talked a lot about the past and other things. I gave her my last "wish-stone". This is a piece of polished Glass and part of a collection I bought at a New-Age shop some years ago. As my various dreams and wishes came true, I'd give one to a friend. This was the last one, and I wanted Robyn to have it.

Robyn went upstairs to see Pim while I was having dinner. While she was away I realised that everything is OK -- that I feel good and content! A new life beginning -- Yahoo!!!!

Sunday 29^th

I woke up and there was a pool of urine on the floor. Buzzed for the nurses and they cleaned it off and connected the catheter properly.

Portia came in to visit. She's up and about, more so than myself. We chatted for a while. It seems that she's pagan as well. I knew I was going to meet another pagan here, but not who. She's Wiccan and involved with a small circle. We talked about Cybele and Attis.

I decided to draw something for her recovery. I used texture on paper and drew an icon of pagan symbols: pentagram (with Athena Symbol inside it -- my variation which means "transgendered"); triple moon, ankh and horned god. I wrote:

To Portia,    May the Goddess and the God watch over your recovery,    -- Laura

I wrote postcards to several people. Then I got up and walked about for a bit. I also sat down in a chair and on the toilet seat. Ugh -- things feel tight down there.Portia came in and I gave her the drawing. She gave me a green teddy bear in return. We also swapped videos.

Later I tried drawing some of my next zine Hypergraphia but I was sweating too much. I didn't want the art to smudge, so I put it away and wrote a poem instead. I got up again and visited Jenny and Linda in room 16. Jenny's American, in her mid-fifties, and led a very interesting life. She had her packing changed today and was sitting and standing OK.

When I started to feel faint I went back to the room and watched a video. The surgeon came down at 4:15pm and I told him that I'd walked twice today. He said that he'd change the dressing tomorrow, after doing surgery for the Girl in room 12. He'll also do a labia-plasty (a cosmetic touch-up) for Robyn on Tuesday, and she should be able to walk down afterwards!

I had a bit of cry later. I didn't get up for another walk as I had several Hot Flushes. My hormone levels are probably zero for both male and female. So this is what menopause feels like. Watching TV is odd here. They have several local Thai channels, each with a different character. There's also CNN, MTV and something called The Australian Channel.

This last one apparently is broadcast from Australia, and shows old episodes of: Country Practice; Raffety's Rules; Home & Away; Blue Heelers; various sports shows; a 30 minute music video show; innumerable travelogues about Australia and nearby destinations; and current episodes of Channel Seven News. The programming is repeated three times a day, so if I missed anything I could always wait for it again.

Late at night I finally had to go to the toilet for a movement. It was painful and lengthy, and I started reading the copy of Anne Rice's Queen of the Damned that I'd brought along. When I was finally done I went back to bed and watched a video.

Monday 30^th

I woke up at 4:30am and couldn't get back to sleep. I'd had weird dreams about unsolved murders in Perth. IO dozed off again finally and had more dreams set in Perth, once again about murders, but this time I'm wearing really sexy clothes. Go figure...

Went to the toilet and then off to visit Portia, where I also had breakfast. When I got back they put another saline drip into my left hand and a " FOOD OR DRINK" sign on the end of the bed. Pim came down for a visit. Finally at 2:30pm I went upstairs for the changing (and inspection) of the dressing.

The neo-vagina was carved out of available space by the surgeon in the previous surgery. However, rather than put the skin graft in immediately, he'd put packing in there instead and a vacuum drip to keep it tight and in place. The theory was that I would have granulation on "the wound" (as all the staff here called it) with a better blood supply and because of this the graft had a better chance of taking.

I still had the tubing for the epidural connected to my spinal column, and the anesthesiologist used this to give me another local anaesthetic. It took an hour to wear in, and then I had no sensation below my waistline. It was strange, because my body "remembered" the last position they were in. It felt like they were still on the table, but they were really up on supports!

The surgeon came in by 4pm and it was all over and done by 4:15pm. I was back in my room at 4:30pm. Only, it'd been mostly waiting. They had music playing for 20 minutes but that was it. My arms and shoulders felt a bit cramped and I was still waiting for the surgeon to start when he said he was finished.

I was a bit emotional later in the room and it took forever (almost) for me to settle down. This time I could feel waves and waves of feeling returning to my legs, starting at my thighs and ending at my toes. The last were particularly weird in feeling.

A new Girl, Destiny (from room 19) came to visit. Another American, in her early 20s, she's studying at university and is a DJ/Composer of sorts. She seemed very young in outlook and was easy to talk to. She also seemed a little under-informed. She was keen to get everything "over and done with" and thought that it would only take a week.

Portia phoned and we chatted. She sounds homesick.

I repeatedly felt the need to go to the toilet, but nothing came out except wind. Very disconcerting. More so was the fact that as I put my weight on the railing next to the toilet seat, it broke! I'm getting a lot of reading done though.

Tuesday 31^st

I slept for six hours straight, and had a dream about a dead person looking for messages in an abandoned drive-in. Well it is Sahmain in the Northern Hemisphere (also known as Halloween, it's Beltaine in the Southern Hemisphere) today -- a celebration of death -- so that's not unexpected.

All the news on CNN is focussed on a terrible accident in Taipei, where a Singapore Airlines plane was destroyed. We flew on Singapore Airlines, but luckily not today.

Jenny and Portia came to visit before breakfast, and later when they came to give me the morning's sponge bath, they shaved Robyn's pubes. She had a bit of resistance to this, as she told me that it feels so itchy when they grow back. Funny thing, but I had a bit of a rash in that area, and it felt so terribly itchy. I mentioned this to the nurse.

The cleaners came in and Robyn and I had fun with them, trading English and Thai words. Pim came down to arrange my paying the balance on what was owed for the surgery. I'll have to sort this out later today.

I went for a wander and visited the other Girls. I was on the toilet when they came in to put a "numbing cream" on Robyn and when I came out she was already gone. Another Girl, a Thai who lives in Sydney, came in for a visit while she was away. She seemed very young and had odd ideas about weight loss and taking ecstasy and going to raves. I was watching a video when Robyn was wheeled back in towards the end of it -- so much for walking down! Everything looked red and sore down there, and there was still some bleeding.

Later in the afternoon I went upstairs to try the Internet option in sorting out my payment options. It was a fruitless effect as there was something wrong with my logon, so I went back downstairs. Pim came down and I tried the phone banking option again. This almost worked but I got cut off at the wrong time. I was in tears, so upset about this. The thing is -- I have the money -- but it just seems so difficult to move it about from another country.

I wandered out to talk with the other Girls, and bitch about the problems I was having with my finances. I am just so upset over this, and feel so very tired.

Robyn's bleeding got worse and was all over her sarong. I buzzed for the nurse and after inspecting it she phoned the surgeon. He arranged for corrective surgery. It was now about 6pm, but it wouldn't happen until 8:30pm. We watched a silly video to take her mind off things, but she was in a lot of pain. Robyn might have a high pain threshold, but when she finally feels it -- POW!

They inserted a saline drip and gave her pethidine for the pain. She went off to surgery again, at 8:20pm. I was told that she'd be back down again tonight. I'll wait and see...

     ...watched more TV -- some silly documentary about Australian cattle being sold to the Philippines. Robyn's not here and I'm bored. Then a nurse came and swapped the vacuum drip from my left to my right side, and replaced the cot that Robyn had been using with a proper hospital bed. At 9:30pm though the nurse came in and told me that Robyn had been moved to room 25 and was still unconscious.

I guess I'll see her tomorrow.

Wednesday 1^st

I had a disturbing dream last night. In the dream I go to an odd cinema with some friends and later go to a milk bar. I have a milkshake and then pass out. I'm on the floor and dressed Goth. Someone pokes me with a stick up the rectum and I say "try the other hole". Then in the dream I regain consciousness -- my friends are gone and I'm surrounded by MTV youth types. I see someone I recognise and try and catch up with them -- they turn a corner and then come back and say say (angrily) "In our ordnum we use animal spirit names when addressing each other!"

Odd, but I just feel so washed out and lost. There was the usual morning routine of checking blood pressure, sponge bath and breakfast, but it all seemed so perfunctory this morning. I miss Robyn.

Just feel so tired and sad and frustrated and lonely and frightened and all the emotions rolled into one. I laid sideways, facing the window with the light off, shaking and crying. I thought to myself that I ought to be tougher, better, stronger; more able to hold together -- that I wasn't and that things were the worse for that. I felt like shit. I may have been forgetting to take my anti-depressants again.

Then in my mind I heard a song that I've heard before: "I'll stand by You" by the Pretenders. The song was a sign from Hecate. The last time I'd heard the song in my mind like this, was years ago when I was in Sydney and facing a big decision about my future, and just not knowing what to do. But this time She was letting me know that She was there with me, and that it was OK to feel like I did.

I rallied.

I buzzed the nurse, got disconnected and got up. I found that my altar had been disturbed, that the figurine of DAWN was on its side and my comics placed on top of it. I was angry! I composed myself and then restored the altar and lit a candle, both for Robyn and myself.

Then I got the Foley's drained and went walkabout. Robyn was in room 22, bed 5 (a public room) -- not room 25. She seemed to be in good spirits and much less pain. I also visited Jenny, and together we went back to visit Robyn again. The surgeon came in while we were there to check Robyn. He said that she'd be moved back to my room later. Jenny and I went back to my room and chatted further until the surgeon came in to check me. I had to get back into bed and be re-plugged.

Robyn was wheeled in shortly after and we were hooked up to the same vacuum drip. The pressure was higher than what I was used to.

Portia came for a visit. We swapped videos and Robyn and I watched "The Truman Show". At one point I asked her "We will leave this island won't we?" The hospital, pleasant and clean and efficient as it was, was starting to feel like the massive set in the film -- how much was reality? "Of course" she answered.

The candle finally expired after four hours of burning.

I went for another walk and set of visits. Apart from chatting with Robyn, watching TV/Videos, and reading Queen of the Damned (I'd given up trying to cartoon in this humidity) that was mostly all I could do. Talked to the Girls about surgery, plastic surgeons, facelifts and histories. It helps.

I expect though, that this transient community of transsexuals, all in various stages of surgery and recovery, will only last while we're here. This is sort of like those cruise boats I hear about -- you meet people and have a good time, but later return to the real world. I traded emails with Jenny and Portia, but don't expect much correspondence (it'd be nice to be mistaken). Later I heard from Linda that Jenny had been up for her graft. Have to check on her tomorrow.

I've been getting heaps of intense zingers down below. Nerves reconnecting Robyn says -- some invisible fiend with a cattle-prod maybe! Robyn and I chatted well into the night.

Thursday 2^nd

Pim came down this morning and we sorted out my finances. She made a phone banking call for me, and I was able to pay off what was on the VISA card, so the remainder of the bill can now be paid. It took about 20 minutes to do this. Heavens knows what the phone bill will be...

Visited the other Girls later. Destiny was still sore from the surgery, and Jenny seemed very subdued. Portia was even more homesick today.

I went back to the room for a rest. Robyn was much better now. She disconnected herself and went out to the balcony for a smoke. And who should walk in at that moment? The surgeon of course, who just laughed at how resilient she is. He inspected my wound, and I'm scheduled for the graft about midday tomorrow.

Later at night the nurses came to give me another enema. This one was worse than the last. They told me to wait 10 minutes but I could only wait two. I was stuck on the seat for 30 minutes afterwards, passing everything that I hadn't been able to in the last few days. Argh!

Friday 3^rd

I was woken at 6:15am for an early breakfast, after which I had another "NO FOOD OR DRINK" sign placed on the bed. I was also back on the saline drip again, and I was really bed bound. Then I tried watching a video but kept on being interrupted. Annie came for a visit. She's Thai, but was raised in America, over here for a colon extension on her original surgery.

Finally they came for me. I relit the candle at my altar and said prayers to Cybele and Hecate again. I had to wait on a porter to come, and was off at 10:15am.

When I arrived in the theatre, the surgeon was sitting at another table poking at something pink. I couldn't see clearly because my spectacles were back in the room, but this was the skin graft about to be placed in my neo-vagina. The surgeon was removing hair follicles and other excess matter. I had one of the nurses take a photo of this.

The was a problem with my epidural feed, which had been in me since the original surgery. It was removed and an injections made directly to my spine. I was turned on my side and held while the anesthesiologist found the correct spot. The first injection was bearable, but the second very painful. I sung (very meekly) bits of the "Rawhide" theme while they did this, and preyed to the Goddess.

Then I was laid on my back and the next thing I remember...

     ...was waking in the room and Robyn was saying "Welcome back". I don't remember much after this -- I drifted in and out of consciousness for the remainder of the day.

Robyn tells me that at one point I was saying "Bow Wow" and "Woof!" When Robyn tried responding back the same way and I had no reaction she realised that I was not quite there, and said "Well you can't be a dog now, because you have a pussy, you must be a cat." Apparently I started going "Meow, meows, purr..." after that!

     What was I thinking? *smile*

I was conscious enough later to order dinner, and spoke briefly with Pim, and Portia via the phone. She's sick and tired of hospitals, and wishes that her mother had come with her. In "bad taste" she suggested that the airline disaster that happened on Sahmain was actually a big bonfire for the event (gasp).

Continued with Dies Sanguinis 3