My Transitional Crisis
A year and a half into my gender transition I experienced an existential crisis. I felt morally and spiritually bankrupt -- an empty shell devoid of hope and purpose. Now this seemed to be indirectly caused by the process of transition. I dropped an old persona which I'd never considered to be "me", and started to allow the one I'd been sheltering and hiding (Laura) to grow. That was never a mistake. But in doing so I entered totally unexplored territory, and this was frightening! I'd hit the fear layer.
I found I couldn't be a public servant anymore, because that had been a place to hide. I didn't want to do that anymore, and the more I tried the harder it was to stay mediocre. So I packed my bags and went on a vision quest to a far-away city -- far away from my usual haunts and habits, far away from friends and family. I went looking for my soul. It was the worst and the best time of my life. I experienced new things, but also tried old ones that never worked. They never worked there either. After 3 months I was suicidal -- I hit rock bottom.
Feeling Suicidal
It was a bizarre situation, and one which only later I could look back on and laugh at.
I was living in a house with four other transgendered people. It was supposed to be a supportive environment, but for me it was just one headache after another. My codependency problems were flaring up, and instead of sorting myself out, I was getting deeper and deeper into other people's shit.
Then, after a particularly upsetting incident, I hit rock bottom. I was absolutely miserable. I decided to go to a meditation centre and seek guidance through prayer and meditation. I got a wrong number. What I got was an internal voice of shame that shouted at me "KILL YOURSELF!". It wasn't the only internal voice I heard, there was another whispering "persistence pays off". But that second voice was overwhelmed by the first.
The next day I tried to go about my business, but the voice of shame and guilt kept shouting "KILL YOURSELF". I felt like I was filled only with a huge void that echoed these words. Finally, I ended up at a cliff top at Manley, deciding whether or not to kill myself. And you know what, all the indecision I had was still there -- I couldn't decide! The only thing that saved me was noticing the time and realizing that if I didn't catch the next bus I'd miss a CoDA meeting. I ran off and caught that bus.
After I got to the meeting, it seemed that half the people there had been thinking about suicide. There was something in the air that day... ...and I realized that I wasn't nuts, I wasn't crazy, and I wasn't the only one. Someone there pointed out that what I got wasn't the voice of God, but the voice of shame.
I'd hit rock bottom, but from there I could only go up. And slowly I did, until the second time I felt suicidal.
Facing the Void
It's a funny thing, but that first time I felt suicidal, it
felt like I had a huge black hole inside of me -- a place that
sucked up everything that was put in it, and still wanted more! And
that feeling didn't just go away after I stopped feeling
suicidal, it was still there, staring me in the face.
The pain didn't just go away, but somehow it felt less
hurtful to know that it was within my ability to cope, that I
didn't have to run from and avoid it as much as possible.
Because that's what I'd done, and in trying to avoid the
pain I'd done things and made decisions that were less than
favourable for me. But never again.
My decisions and actions have been honest ones, and
believe me, that makes a difference. Something
I'm learning along the way, is that life isn't about
avoiding pain or just feeling happy, it's about living life to
the full, in the best way you can.