The following was posted on a recovery mailing list that I'm a member of, shortly after the event, which was June of 1998.
Laura here.
Yesterday I was suicidal again, the 2nd time in 3 weeks.
I was stuck at home due to a bus strike, and decided to be constructive about it. I did some study for a plenary I'm giving at NOWSA later this month. It's all about "passing", which is what people do when they are afraid to show themselves in total. Lots of people pass, but people like me in particular. It's important that I do this, research the evidence and writings and theories.
Well, I started on a book by Janice raymond, written back in 1978, called "The Transsexual Empire: The making of the she-male". Raymond is a feminist and sees "male-to-constructed-female" transsexuals as tools of the patriarchy; as male dupes which rape the female spirit; and eunachs who put women in their place. It's tough stuff.
I first read the book just before I began my transition because I wanted to as objective as possible abpout the process, and that involved reading works in "opposition" to it. Raymond raises some valid points in her book, but on the whole she fails to examine her own motives or definitions. Her idea of woman is definitely based on a gynological one.
Anyway, I choose to read this first. Maybe it was the wrong decision. I was under stress because of worries about money, having the car in for repairs and being stuck home by a bus strike (dammit -- I'd wanted to do Tarot at the uni markets instead).
I broke for lunch and was feeling a bit lonely. I decided to get online and go into a chatroom. Only there was no one in the rooms I went to, and then when I did find a room with people in no one responded to anything I said. I finally got into the wiccan room at the park and tried to start a converstaion but had the same result. I was starting to feel just so depressed.
And then I remembered that the
full moon was in 17 minutes (2:17pm local time). I became suicidal.
I said goodbye to people and went and got the kitchen knife. And I
sat down next to the telephone and the sofa, crying, and not
feeling anyway out, and feeling hopeless, and said a prayer to
Hecate to say that I'd be meeting her shortly.
And I started to carve a line on my wrists. But I couldn't continue. Pegasus had been looking at me with concerned eyes, and he came up and licked me on the face.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Pegasus alone here in the world. I dropped the knife into the rubbish bin.
And then I went back into the chatroom to say that. There were some people who started talking to me (one didn't want me to do it for HIS sake!) and slowly, the crisis was over. I felt like shit, but I didn't feel suicidal anymore. I guess Hecate didn't want to see me after all.
Today I don't know what to make of this. That reading Raymond should make me feel so low, and so bad about myself, seems so obvious. And yet I know that much of what she says is wrong, is incorrect, and need to show how. I have another book out to read too called "The Horned God". It's about a pagan answer to Raymond's issues. I have yet to read it.
So I'm back at uni today. I feel worn out, and tired. But I don't feel suicidal today. It worries me that I've been so again in such a short time. This issue seems to be such a big thing. When I settle it I think (for me) it'll stay settled. But it's hard going.
Thanks for listening.
Things have improved since then. So far, I haven't felt suicidal since.
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