Co-dependency - 12 Stepping

This page was originally written for POLARE, a magazine produced for transgendered people, however the information here is not specifically just for that audience, and is good for anyone.

My own experiences have been with two 12 step groups: Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Other 12 step groups include Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Al-Anon (for the families of Alcoholics), Narcotics Anon, Workaholics Anon, Over-eaters Anon, and so on (even Religion Anon!). OK, so why are these 12 step groups and just what does that mean? Who are they for and how do they work?

Addictions & Obsessions

Basically, all 12 step groups deal with personal recovery from addictions and obsessions. They are for people who use these addictions and obsessions to fill up their life. This is called "acting out". The addiction or obsession is a symptom of low self-esteem, not the cause. Over a period of time, the amount of good feeling gained by acting out diminishes and becomes a source of misery. You are addicted/obsessed if you still act out, regardless of the emotional return.

Such acting out could involve using alcohol or other drugs, over-eating, compulsive spending, dysfunctional relationships, or seeking validation through sexual gratification (to name a few). The problem with relying on a source outside of yourself is that it's unreliable. This means that the person acting out will often attempt to control the source and do whatever they think it takes to get it. Any means seems to justify the end. This also leads to denial, where a person will claim they "don't have a problem" but still obsesses over the object of their obsession.

The Steps

Twelve step groups seek to break this destructive cycle by empowering a person to increase their self esteem without the use of the outside source. This is done by "working the steps" and going to meetings. The 12 steps were first developed for Alcoholics Anonymous and were later adapted for other groups, mostly by changing the wording to refer to the appropriate addiction (e.g. booze, drugs, people etc). The main thing is that the focus provides common ground for members of such a group. The steps (in general form) are:

1. We admitted that we were powerless over our <addiction>, and that our lives were unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of <God> as we understood <God>.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to <God>, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have <God> remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked <God> to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with <God> as we understood <God>, praying only for knowledge of <God>'s will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other <addicts>, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Substitute the appropriate term where <addiction> and <addict> are listed (e.g. alcohol & alcoholics). If the reference to <God> offends you, substitute <Higher Power>. There are also 12 traditions. I won't list them here, but they are guidelines on how groups are run, and they work. Working the steps takes time, effort, and can only be done at your own pace.

Other members can help (these are called "sponsors"), but only you can do them. You don't have to do all the steps in order (I consider my writing this article to be a step 12, and I've only just done 4!) but they are stronger that way. But none of it will work if you don't do step 1. It's possible to "stuff up" a step, but this isn't the point. You get as many chances as you want.

Meetings

Individual groups and meetings vary, but the basic format is the same, you: turn up; listen to the preamble, listen to other people share; share yourself, contribute to the upkeep (tradition 7) and then finish the meeting. Simple as that. Some members of groups might go to a coffee shop afterwards for a more informal sharing, but this is not part of the process.

When someone's sharing by talking, you don't backchat or cross-talk, as this weakens the sharing. Some groups have an individual time limit to sharing and/or to the length of a meeting (generally 1.5 hours), others don't. Some meetings have "topics" which its members can speak to, but nothing is mandatory.

The sharing can be quite intense and at many meetings a box of tissues is in full time use! Lastly, what is said at meetings is from the heart and will often include details not told to other people. Everything that is said is confidential and should not be passed on. "What you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here" is the rule.

This is where the anonymity comes in. It's not so important who the people at a meeting are, but that they all have a common goal in recovering from their addictions. This means respecting one another for the individuals they are, not imposing your own values on them. In time (if you persist in one group) you come to appreciate the others members for being there, allowing to share yourself in an honest way.

If problems arise at meetings, or in the running of a group (e.g. the need for a new secretary), then they can be brought up at what's called a "group conscience". This is where members speak freely about the issues and decide on actions to take.

It almost sounds too simple to work, but in it does! I personally feel that the meetings are a vital part of the recovery process. They provide me with a forum in which I can address key issues. In doing so I can be honest with myself and others, and because of this honesty I make progress. If you "try out" attending a 12 step group, it is best to go to at least 6 meetings to get a feel about whether or not it is right for you.

Questions & Answers

If these groups are so good, how come I haven't heard of them before?

You may have heard of Alcoholics Anonymous, if not the other groups. Tradition 11 states "Public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion, we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films". Word of mouth tends to be the main method of promotion. You can't be forced into a 12 step group, you go when you need to and the time is right.

How do I contact them?

Try the phonebook. If the group is not listed there, try social and welfare agencies for information. An organisation called HOLYOAKE deals with addiction and may have information about such groups in your State.

What are the costs of meetings, and how is it paid for?

Groups may incur expenses in renting a venue, providing refreshments, or books and pamphlets. Tradition 7 says "Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions". In practice this means that attending members contribute to a kitty at the end of each meeting to pay for the above. Groups tend to have secretaries and treasurers to keep track of such things.

Is being transgendered an issue at 12 step groups?

It ought not to be. I once went to a SLAA meeting where one person thought my problem was my transgender identity. I educated them to the fact that being transgendered was an integral part of my personality, not an addiction. If you go to a group and it is an issue, bring it up at a group conscience, or individually with the people involved.

The 12 steps mention God. Are these groups Christian/Religious based and will people try to convert me?

I hope not. If they do, raise the issue as per the previous answer. I'm a Wiccan/Christian-pantheist (I believe in the Goddess/Holy Spirit as expressed in myself) and this hasn't interfered with my involvement in 12 step groups. If the term "God" offends you, substitute "Higher Power". This is whatever you conceive that power to be, be it God, the Universe, your Subconscious, or whatever. You can be atheist and still have a Higher Power, you just have to find it. The main thing is that it isn't what you're addicted to/obsessed over.

Are 12 step groups based on a "sickness model"?

This all depends on your viewpoint. Are obsessions and addictions a sickness? Whether they are or not, the long term effects of both are generally not good. Twelve step groups provide a method of breaking a destructive pattern of behaviour. No one is forced to use them, nor is one required to hold a particular view to work the steps or attend.

Will attending a 12 step group make me dependent of the members of that group, and will I be under pressure to conform?

I doubt it. My own experience has been that involvement in 12 step groups encouraged me to face my issues, develop my individuality and spirituality, and ease my transition. Who turns up to meetings varies from meeting to meeting. In cities there are often several groups that you can go to, sometimes one or more groups each day! Something common to most groups is the Serenity Prayer which reads:

God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.