My further reading about epilepsy taught me that traits such as tenacity, obsessiveness and emotionality, which I had always had, are associated of the right temporal lobe... ...I had always been aware of something missing, something that seemed impossible to define. It wasn't discontentment. It was lack of fulfillment, but why and because of what shortcoming, I could not tell. It was part of the emotional changes that I experienced, which were sometimes extreme, often unpredictable, but usually related to external circumstances -- success producing exhilaration and failure producing despondency.I recognized myself when reading this, because I too have epilepsy. I'm currently 41, and I haven't had a seizure since I was 16, but I'm still epileptic. The possibility of having a fit is something that for me has always been lurking in the background. Like being worried about nuclear war however, it's possible to forget about it for extended lengths of time.
When I was two I had meningitis, and a period of seizures followed. Later, when I was about 7-8 years old, I had an accident at school which resulted in further fits.
I was playing "British Bulldog" at the time. I have no idea if kids still play this but we did back at West Midland Primary School. Kids form two teams and each stands in a line at opposite sides of the quadrangle. Then each links arms and rushes the other. The objective to to get as many people on your team to the other side, and to prevent members of the other team from doing so.
I was on the end of one team, and ran straight forward with my head down and eyes closed. I ran straight into a drain pipe! I was taken to hospital where twenty stitches were put in. Afterwards however I suffered from what was then called "grand mal" seizures.
When this happened I would at first get a funny feeling (called an "aura") and then (if I was standing) fall down and convulse. I lost control of my body during these convulsions -- my muscles would tense and then relax, tense and relax. My eyes would roll about and I would have extended heavy breathing with air being forced in and out of my lungs. This blew the saliva in my mouth into a froth. Afterwards I would feel head achy, confused, and have partial loss of memory (though most times this would return after half an hour or so).
Most times when I had convulsions I was still conscious. I would be on my back on the ground or floor looking up, and though my eyes would roll I could still see. Most of what I saw was the look of horror and revulsion in the kids or people around me. Sometimes I seemed to have an "out of body" experience where I would appear to be looking down on the situation. I could see myself below surrounded by people.
School was hard for me, and
I really couldn't cope with being epileptic. I felt alienated
from the other children socially, and avoided being too close to
anyone else. I had a growing feeling that there was something
horrible and terrible inside of me. There wasn't off course,
but this didn't stop me from feeling that way. Highschool was
worse. I was a misfit in many ways and didn't belong to any
group in particular. Most days I'd say to myself over and over
again "it's ok, I'm special, special" as if that
would make up for it. But the truth was that I was alienated both
from others and myself.
I took three medications a day: dilantin, phenobarbital, and mycilin. I had no idea at the time what they did but the results in general for me were like living at the bottom of an ocean. Things happened emotionally very quickly for other people, but for me they seemed a bit slower. I developed emotionally much slower, and still seem (to me at least) a bit child like. The only difference is that nowadays I've come to appreciate this.
I left highschool in the middle of Year 11 and started to work in a warehouse. It was about this time that I took myself off my medications. It was a gamble since there was no guarantee that the seizures wouldn't come back, but for the most part they haven't. But, there were certain restrictions I generally had to follow. It would be foolhardy for me to work with heavy machinery, to drive a bus, or work at heights. I couldn't drink too much either, just in case.
A friend of mine got me drunk a couple of years ago for my birthday. One moment I was drinking champagne, and the next I was on the floor of the ladies toilets! On another occasion someone else got me very drunk on port. The next morning I woke with all the after-effects of a seizure. I was confused and bits of memory just weren't there. Once I went to a nightclub and they brought down the strobe lights. All of a sudden I could feel the beginnings of an aura and told my companion that I had to be out of there fast! I was out and into the street within 15 seconds, and I didn't have a seizure.
So life on the whole has been a bit different for me. I've avoided stress in general, tried to stay within these restrictions as best I can. I didn't get my car license until I was 30, because I was afraid of having an accident. In New South Wales, where I live, I have to have an annual medical report to OK my drivers license. There are some other effects too...
- Occasional twitches or cramps in my legs and hands.
- Memory problems -- I forget the silliest of things under pressure.
- Misplacing people. While I have good visual acuity (I'm a visual artist) I have problems sometimes recognizing people I've met before. Once I didn't recognize my own mother for a few seconds.
- Feelings of alienation, depression, and extreme emotionality.
- Obsession -- when I get my teeth into something I don't let go until I'm thoroughly done with it. Sometimes this is a problem and other time an advantage.